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Newcomer in Town

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on newcomers. When he finished, he found his horse had been stolen.

He comes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling. “Who stole my horse?” he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

“I’m gonna have another beer and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I’m finished, I’m gonna do what I dun back in Texas and I don’t want to have to do what I dun back in Texas!”

Some of the locals shifted restlessly.

He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, “Say partner, what happened in Texas?”

The cowboy turned back and said, “I had to walk home!”

Youthful Ideas

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, “You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now.” The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, “And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that Rock’n’Roll Gospel Choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony with youths.”

“Thank you, Father,” answered the young priest. “I am pleased that you are open to the new youthful ideas.”

“All of these ideas have been good,” said the elderly priest, “But I’m afraid you’ve gone too far with the Drive-thru Confessional.”

“But Father,” protested the young priest, “my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began.”

“Yes,” replied the elderly priest, “and I appreciate that, but the flashing neon sign, ‘Toot’n’Tell or Go to Hell’ cannot stay on the roof of the church.”

Layoffs

A manager of a failing branch of one company has to lay off one of his top paid employees to cut cost. As he is analyzing the recent annual reviews, he is realizing that it comes down to his two favorites, Mary and Jack. He spends hours looking back at the last five years these two have worked on his team. Both were hired the same month, have identical education and work experience. They are also both crucial to his team. It’s an incredibly tough decision to make and he decides that, if he can’t make it by the time he goes to bed, he will have to fire the first one he sees at the water cooler the next morning.

He is at the office bright and early, after a sleepless night, when he sees Mary walk into the office with bags under her eyes, hair in disarray and heading straight for the water cooler.

He meets her there and while she is filling her cup with water, he says sadly: “I have really bad news, I have to lay you or Jack off.”

Mary, looking at him through the slits in her eyes, takes a big gulp of water and says: “I am afraid you will have to jack off. I have a terrible hangover.”

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Baby Brother

For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.

One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.

The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, “Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?”

Tommy burst into tears and confessed, “I think Mommy ate it!”

Change of Profession

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and paperwork decided to give up practicing medicine. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, so he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the former gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade.”

The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.” After a pause, the instructor added, “I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust pipe, which I’ve never seen done in my entire career”

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