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A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots beautiful diamond earrings and walks over to inspect them. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her – Good looking as well.
Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods. He politely greets the lady with, “Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?”
Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little ‘incident’, she asks, “What is the price of these lovely earrings?”
He answers, “Madam, if you farted just looking at them, you’re going to crap yourself when I tell you the price!”
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically: “Relatives of yours?”
“Yep,” the wife replied, “in-laws.”
Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being outlate the night before.
The first man signed to his friend, “My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble.”
The second deaf man signed back, “Boy you’re lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me hell for being out so late.”
The first deaf man asked, “So, what did you do?”
The second man replied, “I turned out the light.”
A grandfather always made a special effort with his grandchildren. Many Sunday mornings he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time.
One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and he really didn’t feel like being up at all. Luckily, grandma came to the rescue and said that she would take the grandchild out. When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see Grandpa.
“Well,” the grandfather asked, “did you enjoy your ride with Granny?”
“Oh yes, Grandpa,” the girl replied, “and do you know what? We didn’t see a single dumb bastard or lousy jerk!”
Bill’s mother was visiting her son and daughter-in-law, Betty. Bill came home from work and found six vacuum cleaner salesmen outside his house. He dashed in and said, “Mom, there are six men outside who all claim they have an appointment for a vacuum cleaner demonstration!”
“That’s right,” the mother-in-law replied. “Now you just show them all to different rooms and let them start demonstrating.”