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There was a manager of a company who was ready to retire, so he began training his replacement.
Just before he left for good, he took the replacement aside and told him that if he ever got really jammed up, he should look in the center drawer of his desk and he would find two envelopes. He told him to open envelope #1.
Well, time goes by and one day, a big project went bad and the new manager was in real trouble over it. He remembered the drawer and the envelopes and went and got envelope #1 and opened it.
Inside was a sheet of paper with just two words on it—“Blame me!”
A few months later, the new manager again found himself in hot water and remembered that there was an envelope #2.
He went and opened that one and found another note. This one read, “Go get two envelopes.”
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home, reminiscing.
The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for one penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for one penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, “I can’t hear a word you’re saying, but I remember the guy you’re talking about.”
After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother,
“Mom, I’ve decided to become a minister when I grow up.”
“That’s okay with us, but what made you decide that?”
“Well,” said the little boy, “I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit and listen.”
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather’s lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up,
“Grandpa, did God make you?”
“Yes, sweetheart,” he answered. “God made me a long time ago.”
“Oh,” she said. “Grandpa, did God make me, too?”
“Yes, indeed, honey,” he said. “God made you just a little while ago.”
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, “God’s getting better at it, isn’t he?”
A fellow dies and goes to hell. To his surprise, when he enters his new apartment in hell, he is welcomed by a room full of beautiful blondes. He moves through his new apartment and finds that the other room is filled with kegs of beer.
He goes out and asks his neighbor, “Hey, is your apartment filled with hot blondes and chilled kegs of beer too?”
“It sure is,” says the neighbor.
The man smiles widely and asks, “So tell me, am I missing something? What’s so bad about this place?”
“Well,” said the neighbor with a frown, “the kegs all have holes in the bottoms, and the blondes don’t!”