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A man joined a big corporate empire as a trainee. On his very first day of work, he dialed the pantry and shouted into the phone, “Get me a coffee, quickly!”
The voice from the other side responded, “You fool you’ve dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you’re talking to, dumbo?”
“No,” replied the trainee.
“It’s the CEO of the company, you fool!”
The trainee shouted back, “And do you know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!”
“No,” replied the CEO indignantly.
“Good!” replied the trainee, and put down the phone.
Several women appeared in court, each accusing the others of causing the trouble that they were having in the apartment building where they all lived.
After a lot of back and forth accusations and overall yelling one over another, the judge demanded order in the courtroom.
Once the courtroom became quiet, the judge, with Solomon-like wisdom, decreed, “Alright ladies, I’m ready to hear and see the actual evidence. I’ll hear the oldest first.”
The case was dismissed for lack of testimony.
A man was going up to bed, when his wife told him he’d left the light on in the garden shed – she could see it from the bedroom window. But he said that he hadn’t been in the shed that day. He looked himself, and there were people in the shed, stealing things.
He rang the police, but they told him that no-one was in his area, so no-one was available to catch the thieves. He said ok, hung up, counted to 30 and rang the police again.
“Hello. I just rang you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed? Well, you don’t have to worry about them now, I’ve just shot them all.”
Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, an Armed Response unit, the works. Of course, they caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to this man: “I thought you said you’d shot them!”
He replied: “I thought you said there was no-one available!”
A guy walks into his boss’ office and asks for a day off.
His boss replies, “So you want a day off. Let’s take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work.
Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.
You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.
We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I’ll be darned if you are going to take that day off!”
A guy was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer afternoon. He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife what was for dinner.
The wife was quite irritated about him sitting in the air conditioned house all day while she did all the work, so she scolded him. “I can’t believe you’re asking me about dinner right now! Imagine I’m out of town, go inside and figure dinner out yourself.”
So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak, with potatoes, garlic bread and tall glass of iced tea. The wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him, “You fixed something to eat? So where is mine??”
“Huh? I thought you were out of town.”