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Stomachache

Little Susie, a six year old, complained, “Mommy, I’ve got a stomachache.”

“That’s because your stomach is empty,” the mother replied. “You would feel better if you had something in it.”

That afternoon, Susie heard her father complaining that he had a severe headache all day.

Susie perked up, “Daddy, you have a headache because your head’s empty”, she said. “You’d feel better if you had something in it.”

Barber Visit

A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment – shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. – he placed the boy in the chair.

“I’m going to buy a green tie to wear for the parade,” he said. “I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

When the boy’s haircut was completed and the man still hadn’t returned, the barber said, “Looks like your daddy’s forgotten all about you.”

“That wasn’t my daddy,” said the boy. “He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, ‘Come on, son, we’re gonna get a free haircut!'”

Father of Many

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.

The man, who was a priest, said, “I am a Father.”

The little boy replied, “My Daddy doesn’t wear his collar like that.”

The priest looked up from his book and said, “I am the Father of many.”

The boy said, “My Dad has four boys, four girls and two grandchildren and he doesn’t wear his collar that way.”

The priest, getting impatient, said “I am the Father of hundreds,” and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly… but on leaving the bus, he leaned over and said, “Well, maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar.”

Drinking Buddies

Two men are sitting next to each other in an Irish-style pub in New York City. They both order pints of Guinness. After a few, one of them turns to the other and says “So where are you from, then?”
“I’m from Ireland.”
“Me too! I’ll drink to that.” They both finish their pints and order two more.
“Where in Ireland are you from?”
“Dublin.”
“Me too! I’ll drink to that.” They both finish their pints and order two more.
“Where in Dublin are you from?”
“The East Side.”
“The East Side? Me too! What a coincidence! I’ll drink to that!” They both finish their pints and order two more.
“Where on the East Side are you from?”
“McDonough Street.”
“Me too! This is incredible! I’ll drink to that.”
As the bartender pours them another two pints, another customer at the bar says to him, “That’s amazing! I can’t believe they’re from the same street in Dublin.”
“Oh, it’s nothing amazing,” says the bartender, it’s just the Ferguson brothers getting sloshed again.”

Funeral Procession

One fall day Dave was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file.

Intrigued, Dave went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse.

“My  wife,” the man replied.

“I’m sorry,” said Dave. “What happened to her?”  

“My dog bit her and she died.”

Dave then asked who was in the second hearse. The man replied, “My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well.”

“Can I borrow your dog?” asked Dave.

“Get in line.” replied the man.

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