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There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful blonde teenage daughters. The parents decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
After months of trying, the wife became pregnant, and sure enough, nine months later she delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be the father of that child.
“Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered.” Then he gave her a stern look and asked, “Have you been fooling around on me?!”
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, “Not this time.”
There is a truck driver driving along, and he stops and picks up a priest to give him a ride.
He’s driving down the highway and he sees a lawyer along the side of the road and thinks, “Hot damn! A lawyer that I could run over!” So he speeds up and heads straight for him.
At the last second he remembers the priest with him. So he swerves real quick to miss him, but still hears a thump. He looks behind, no sign of the lawyer.
He says to the priest “Wow, that was a close one, I almost hit that lawyer!”
The priest then replies “That’s ok son, I got him with my door.”
Fresh out of business school, a young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.
“I need someone with an accounting degree,” the man said. “But mainly, I’m looking for someone to do my worrying for me.”
“Excuse me?” the accountant said.
“I worry about a lot of things,” the man said. “But I don’t want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back.”
“I see,” the accountant said. “And how much does the job pay?”
“I’ll start you at eighty thousand.”
“Eighty thousand dollars!” the accountant exclaimed.
“How can such a small business afford a sum like that?”
“That,” the owner said, “is your first worry.”
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What’s are these, Dad?”
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.”
“Oh I see,” replied the boys pensively. “Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.”
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, “Why are there 3 in this package?”
The dad replies, “Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.”
“Cool!” says the boy. He notices a 6-pack and asks, “Then who are these for?”
“Those are for college men,” The dad answers, “TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.”
“WOW!” exclaimed the boy. “Then who uses THESE?” he asks, picking up a12-pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied, “Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March…”
NASA was interviewing people to be sent to Mars for an experiment. Only one could go, and he couldn’t return to Earth.
The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. “A million dollars,” he answered, “because I want to donate it to M.I.T.”
The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million dollars. “I want to give a million to my family”, he explained, “and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.”
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, “Three million dollars.”
“Why so much more than the others?” the interviewer asked.
The lawyer replied, “If you give me $3 million, I’ll keep $2 million, and pay the engineer to go.”