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Skiing Weekend

Jack and Bob went skiing. After a few hours of driving north, they got caught up in a terrible blizzard and pulled into the driveway of a farm owned by a very rich widow. They went to the door and asked the attractive lady who answered if they could spend the night there. “Oh, it’s such a terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself. But I am recently widowed,” she said, “and I’m afraid of what the neighbor will say if I let two attractive young men stay in my house.” “Don’t worry,” Jack said, “We’ll be happy if you just let us sleep in your barn if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.”

The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they left and had a great skiing weekend.

Nine months later, Jack got a letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined it was the attorney of the attractive widow whose barn they stayed at with Bob. He drove to see his friend and asked him: “Bob, remember nine months ago when we went skiing and stopped over at that beautiful widow’s barn to wait out the bad weather?” “Yes, I do,” said Bob. “Did you get up in the middle of the night, pay her a visit at the house and stay overnight?” Bob, getting a little embarrassed, confirmed that’s what happened. “And did you happen to use my name while you were with her?” “I am sorry buddy, I am afraid I did,” replied Bob whose face turned red by now. “Why do you ask?” “She just died and left me everything,” exclaimed Jack.

Magic Mirror

There once was a magic mirror which would kill you if you lied to it. One day a brunette was doing her makeup and said to herself “I’m the smartest woman ever!” She immediately dropped dead. The next day a redhead was doing her hair and said to herself “I’m the prettiest woman alive! ” She immediately dropped dead. Finally, the following day, a blond was flossing her teeth. She stopped and said to herself “I think,” and dropped dead.

Rich Man’s Challenge

A rich man had a party.  He showed his guests his pool filled with alligators and announced that anyone who will swim across this pool and come out alive will be granted three wishes.
No one wanted to go for the challenge. All of a sudden, there was a big splash. A man was swimming like a hell across the pool and he came out alive at the other end.
So the host asked, “What are your three wishes?”
The man replied, “Give me the shotgun, some bullets and show me the idiot that pushed me in.”

Not Scared

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Smithville wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.

Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit.

Satan walks up to the man and says, “Hey, don’t you know who I am?”

The man says, “Yep, sure do.”

Satan says, “Well, aren’t you afraid of me?”

The man says, “Nope, sure ain’t.”

Satan, perturbed, says, “And why aren’t you afraid of me?”

“Well, I’ve been married to your sister for 25 years.”

A Prayer

There was this little boy who went to a Catholic school in Michigan. One day at school he went to a nun and said, “I would like to have a brand red bicycle.”

The nun said, “Before you go to bed tonight, when you get on you knees, ask God if you can have a brand new red bicycle.”

So that night the little boy got on his knees and said, “God, if you will give me a brand new bicycle I will be good for 6 months. Amen.”

He got into bed and thought to himself, “Man, there is no way I can be good for 6 months!”

So he got back on his knees and said, “God, I will be good for 6 weeks if you will get me a new red bicycle.”

Then he got back in bed and thought to himself, “There is no way I can be good for 6 whole weeks!”

So he got back on his knees and said, “Okay God, I will be good for 6 days if you will just get me a brand new red bicycle!”

Well, he got back in bed and laid there for several minutes, thinking. Then he looked put the window and saw the statue of the Virgin Mary in his backyard. He got up took his sheets off the bed, walked outside to the statue, put his sheets around it, walked back inside, and then put the statue under his bed.

He said, “Okay, God, if you ever want to see your mother again, you will get me a brand new red bicycle.”

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