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After a Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, “I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona.” The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, “I’d like the best beer in the world, give me ‘The King Of Beers,’ a Budweiser.” The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, “I’d like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.” He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, “Give me a Coke.” The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, “Why aren’t you drinking a Guinness?”
The Guinness resident replies “Well, if you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither will I.”
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. One thing that got everyone’s attention, was a huge flower covered heart on the wall behind the casket.
After the usual sermon by a preacher and testimonials from friends and colleagues, everyone finally learned the purpose of the huge heart. After a moment of silence, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
The long, stunned hush of the mourners was broken when a man near the front burst into laughter.
The preacher demanded an explanation.
“I’m sorry,” the man said, “I just pictured my own funeral.”
“And why would that be funny?” inquired annoyed preacher.
“I’m a proctologist!” said the man chuckling.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”
She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”
She again replied, “Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.”
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, “If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.”
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all entered a hunting contest. The winner could win $500.
The redhead went out, found some tracks, followed the tracks, and came back with a 250 pound bear.
Then the brunette went out, found some tracks, followed the tracks, and came back with a 275 pound buck.
Finally, the blonde had to beat 275lbs, so she went out and found some tracks. She followed the tracks and came back with a broken leg and an arm, no teeth and blood all over.
The judge asked “What happened????”
The blonde said “I found some tracks, followed the tracks, and got hit by a train.”
A grade school teacher often gave her students Lifesavers as a treat. The children began to identify the flavors by their color:
Finally the teacher gave them all honey lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste.
The teacher said, “I will give you all a clue. It’s what your Mother may sometimes call your father.”
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, “Oh my God! They’re a-holes!”