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A Good Man

Maria had just gotten married and being a traditional Italian girl, she was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother’s house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. “Don’t worry, Maria. Tony’s a good man. Go upstairs and he’ll take care of you.”

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, “Mama, Mama, Tony’s got a big hairy chest.” “Don’t worry, Maria,” said the mother, “all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He’ll take good care of you.”

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. “Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he’s got hairy legs!” “Don’t worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony’s a good man. Go upstairs and he’ll take good care of you.”

So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. “Mama, Mama, Tony’s got a foot and a half!” “Stay here and stir the pasta,” says the mother. “This is a job for Mama.”

Pirate at the Bar

A pirate goes into a bar and the bartender says: “Long time since I’ve seen you, man, you look terrible.” The pirate says: “I feel fine.”

The bartender says: “Well, you didn’t have that wooden leg last time I saw you.” “Well, I got into a battle and a cannon ball hit me in the leg, but I’m ok.”

“Well, you didn’t have that hook on your arm either.” The pirate says: “Got in a sword fight and lost my hand.”

The bartender says: “What about the eye patch?” The pirate replies: “Well, a bunch of sea gulls flew over the boat and when I looked up one of them shit on my eye.” The bartender says: “How did that make you lose your eye?” The pirate replies: “It was the first day with the hook.”

Witty Secretary

Mr. Reiss got himself a new secretary. Maggie was young, sweet and polite.

One day while taking dictation, Maggie noticed his fly was open and, on leaving the room, she said “Oh, Mr Reiss, your barracks door is open.”

He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new secretary. Calling her in, he asked “By the way, Miss Bolt, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you see a soldier standing at attention?”

Maggie, though very polite was also quite witty,”Why, no, Mr. Reiss” she replied. “All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two old duffel bags.”

Soda Machine

A blonde was standing in front of a soda machine outside of a local store. After putting in sixty cents, a root beer pops out of the machine. She set it on the ground, puts sixty more cents into the machine, and pushes another button; suddenly, a coke comes out the machine!

She continued to do this until a man waiting to use the machine became impatient. “Excuse me, can I get my soda and then you can go back to whatever stupid thing you are doing?”

The blonde turns around and says, “Yeah right! I’m not giving up this machine while I’m still winning!”

One Condition

When Jim retired, he and his wife, who was much, much younger, moved to a beach town.

Once they’d settled in, he decided it was about time to make a will, so he made an appointment with a lawyer.

“I want it to be nice and straightforward,” he instructed the attorney, “Everything goes to my wife: the house, the car, the pension and the life insurance, under one condition that she remarry within the year.”

“Fine, Mr. Ramsey,” said the lawyer, “But do you mind my asking why the condition?”

“Simple! I want at least one person to be sorry I died.”