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A 60-year-old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception. His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment, one of them asks him how he managed to land such a hot 23-year-old beauty.
“Simple,” grins the millionaire, “I faked my age.”
His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he said.
“Well,” he replied, “I said I was 87!”
A woman went to the doctor’s office with chronic hiccups. She was seen by a young new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out of the room and ran down the hallway screaming.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. After listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room. He then marched down the hallway to the first doctor’s room.
“What the hell is wrong with you?” he demanded. “This woman is 68 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?!!”
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, “Does she still have the hiccups?”
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says the following;
“Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come again. Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more.”
“You foul-mouthed swine,” retorted the lady indignantly. “In this country we don’t talk about our sex lives in public!”
“Hey, coola down lady,” said the man. “Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi.”
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also blonde. The blonde cop asked to see her driver’s license.
She dug through her handbag and was getting progressively more agitated.
“What does it look like?” she finally asked. The policewoman replied, “It’s square and it has your picture on it.”
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it, and handed it to the policewoman.
“Here it is,” she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
“OK, you can go. I didn’t realize you were a cop.”
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.
The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, “Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large”.
Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, ” We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows”.
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, “And what are those”?
The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, “Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas”?