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Need a Raise

Monday morning, Sam walks into his boss’s office. “Sir, I’ll be straight with you, I know the economy isn’t great, but I have three companies very interested in me – they’re constantly calling, and I would like to respectfully ask for a raise.”

After a few minutes of haggling the boss finally agrees to a 7% raise, and Sam happily gets up to leave.

“By the way,” asks the boss as Sam is getting up, “which three companies keep calling you?”

“If you must know,” says Sam, “It’s the electric company, water company, and phone company.”

The Elevator

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked, “What is this, Father?”

The father responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then as these numbers began to light in reverse order. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, ordered his son, “Go get your Mother”.

Hearing Aid Salesman

A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but didn’t want to spend a lot of money. “How much do they cost?” he asked the salesman.

“Anything from $2 to $2,000.”

“Can I see the $2 model?” said the customer.

The salesman put the device around the man’s neck, and said: “You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down into the back of your shirt.”

“How does it work?” asked the customer.

“For $2, it doesn’t work,” said the salesman. “But when people see it on you, they’ll talk louder.”

Who Am I

One Monday morning, Shane the mailman, was riding through the neighborhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approached one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.

“Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,” Shane commented.

David, in obvious pain, replied, “Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4:00 o’clock Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?”

Shane thought for a moment and said, “How do you play WHO AM I?”

“Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the ‘family jewels’ showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.”

The mailman laughed and said, “Sounds like fun, I’m sorry I missed it.”

“Probably a good thing you did,” David responded, “Your name came up 7 times.”

Going to Church

A homeless man, down on his luck, went into a local church that was known for its rather “uppity” social reputation.

Spotting the man’s dirty clothes, the ushers stopped him outside the church door and asked if he needed help.

The man told them, “I was praying and the Lord told me to come to this church.”

The ushers suggested that the man go away and pray some more and me might get a different answer.

The following Sunday the man returned and the ushers again stopped him at the door.

“Well, did you get a different answer?” they asked him.

“Yes, I did,” said the man. “I told the Lord that you don’t want me here, and the Lord said, ‘I am sorry, son. I’ve been trying to get into that church for years and I haven’t made it yet either.”

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