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A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, “Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?” The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, “Well yeah, if that’s what they are, but I never heard of circle flies.”
So the farmer says, “Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they’re called circle flies because they’re almost always found circling around the back end of a horse.”
The trooper says, “Oh,” and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, “Hey, wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse’s ass?”
The farmer says, “Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you that.”
The trooper says, “Well, that’s a good thing,” and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a brief pause, the farmer ads, “Hard to fool them flies though…”
Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.
“I got a cookbook once,” said one, “but I could never do anything with it.”
“Too much fancy work in it, eh?” asked the other.
“You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way – Take a clean dish…”
After trying a new shampoo for the first time, a guy fired off an enthusiastic letter of praise and approval to the manufacturer.
Several weeks later, he came home from work to a large carton in the middle of the floor. Inside were free samples of the many products the company produced: soaps, detergents, tooth paste, and paper items.
“Well, what did I tell you? They always send you free stuff when you write them a letter” his wife commented smiling.
Excited, the guy rushed to his desk, opened his computer and started typing something.
“What are you doing?” the wife inquired, “Dinner’s hot on the table.”
“I’m writing to General Motors!” exclaimed the guy.
At a courtroom in Oklahoma a person is on trial for murder.There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse. In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client is guilty and that it looks like he’ll probably be convicted, resorts to a clever trick.
“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the lawyer says as he looks at his watch. “Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this court room,” he says and he looks toward the courtroom door.
The jury, somewhat stunned, all look on eagerly. A minute passes. Nothing happens. Finally the lawyer says: “Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.”
The jury, clearly confused, retires to deliberate. A very few minutes later, the jury returns and a representative pronounces a verdict of guilty.
“But how?” inquires the lawyer. “You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door.”
Answers the representative: “Oh, we did look. But your client didn’t.”
An old fellow was celebrating 92 years on this Earth.
When he woke up, he looked down at his feet and spoke to his toes. “Hello, toes!” he said, “How are you, toes? You know, you are 92 today. Oh, the times we’ve had! Remember we walked in the park every summer Sunday? The times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy Birthday, toes!”
“Hello, knees,” he continued. “How are you, knees? You know you’re 92 today. Oh, the times we’ve had! Remember when we marched in the parade? Oh the hurdles we’ve jumped together. Happy Birthday knees!”
Then, he looked down at his crotch. “Hello Willie! You little bugger, if you were alive today, you’d be 92.”