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Helicopter Ride
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, “Esther, I’d like to ride in that helicopter.” Esther always replied, “I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.”
One year, Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, “Esther, I’m 85 years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter today, I might never get another chance.” To this, Esther replied, “Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.”
The pilot overheard the couple and said, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don’t say a word I won’t charge you a penny! But if you say one word it’s fifty dollars.”
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, “By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t. I’m impressed!”
Morris replied, “Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!”
Converted Son
A Jewish father was concerned about his son, who was about a year away from his Bar Mitzvah but was sorely lacking in his knowledge of the Jewish faith.
To remedy this, he sent his son to Israel to experience his heritage. A year later, the young man returned home. “Father, thank you for sending me to the land of our fathers,” the son said. “It was wonderful and enlightening; however, I must confess that while in Israel I converted to Christianity.”
“Oy vey,” replied the father, “what have I done?”
So, in the tradition of the patriarchs, he went to his best friend and sought his advice and solace. “It is amazing that you should come to me,” stated his friend, “I too sent my son to Israel, and he returned a Christian.”
So, in the tradition of the patriarchs, they went to the Rabbi. “It is amazing that you should come to me,” stated the Rabbi. “I too sent my son to Israel, and he returned a Christian. What is happening to our sons? Brothers, we must take this to God,” said the Rabbi. They fell to their knees and began to wail and pour out their hearts to the Almighty.
As they prayed, the clouds above opened, and a mighty voice stated, “Amazing that you should come to Me. I, too, sent My Son to Israel.”
Pronunciation Dispute
A honeymooning couple was passing through Louisiana. When they were approaching Lafayette, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they got to the town, where they decided to stop for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, the man said, “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us. Would you very slowly pronounce where we are.”
The guy behind the corner leaned over and said, “Burrrrrrrr gerrrrrrr Kiiiiing”
Forest at the Pearly Gates
Forrest Gump died and went to heaven. When he got to the Pearly Gates Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective Heavenly Soul must answer three questions:
1. Name two days of the week that begin with T.
2. How many seconds are in a year?
3. What is God’s first name?
Forrest thought for a few minutes and answered, 1. The two days of the week that begin with T are Today and Tomorrow 2. There are 12 seconds in a year. 3. God has two-first names and they are Andy and Howard.”
Saint Peter said, “OK I’ll buy Today and Tomorrow, even though it’s not the answer I expected, your answer is acceptable. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year and why did you ever think that God’s first name was either Andy or Howard?”
Forrest responded, “Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd,…” “OK, I give in” said Saint Peter, but what about the God’s first name stuff?
Forrest said, “Well, from the song… Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own… and the prayer… Our Father which Art in Heaven, Howard be thy name….”
Saint Peter let him in without further ado!
Golden Saloon
A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.
“Where the hell have you been all night?” she demands.
“At this fantastic new bar,” he says. “The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It’s got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works—hell, even the urinal’s gold!”
The wife still doesn’t believe his story, and the next day she checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband’s story.
“Is this the Golden Saloon?” she asks when the bartender answers the phone.
“Yes, it is,” the bartender answers.
“Do you have huge golden doors?”
“Sure do.”
“Do you have golden floors?”
“We most certainly do.”
“What about golden urinals?”
There’s a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, “Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!”
The Gorilla Golfer
A guy walked into a pro shop with a gorilla. “Is anyone interested in a little wager?” he said, flashing some large bills around. “I’ve got $500 here that says my gorilla can hit the ball farther and straighter than anybody here at this club. In fact, he hits it 500 yards right down the middle… every time!”
Everyone in the pro shop started laughing. After a moment, the newest pro at the club and the longest hitter in the area spoke up. “I gotta see this!” he said. “You know, what? I’ll take you up on that wager! Meet you on the first tee.”
When they reached the 585-yard par-5 first tee, the trainer led the gorilla to the tee box, put a driver in his hands, and set a tee in the ground. The gorilla did the rest.
Sure enough, he smashed his drive right down the middle and out of sight. When the ball finally came to rest, it was on the green, six inches from the cup.
The pro was astonished. “That’s incredible!” he exclaimed. “How did you train him to hit the ball like that? There’s no need for me to tee off. I couldn’t beat him with a stick. Here’s your money.”
As the pro walked off the green, still shaking his head, he turned back to the trainer and said, “Oh, by the way, how does he putt?”
The trainer responded, “Just like he drives: 500 yards. Right down the middle. Every time.”