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It was a quiet day on the Ark and Noah was getting bored, so he told his wife that he was going to relieve the tedium by going off on a fishing expedition.
“That’s a good idea,” she said. “You could do with a break.”
Noah collected his equipment and set off, but thirty minutes later he was back and still complaining that he was bored.
His wife said: “I didn’t expect you back so soon. If you’re that bored, why did you stop fishing after only half an hour?”
Noah replied: “I only had two worms.”
A couple decided that the only way to have sex while their ten year old son was in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and let him give a running report on what was going on in the neighborhood. So the boy stood on the balcony and reported on everything that was happening.
“A police car has just pulled at the Hamiltons’ house, the Chandlers are taking delivery of a new wardrobe, the Smiths are going for a walk with their new dog, and the Mitchell’s are having sex.”
Hearing this, the boy’s parents shot bolt upright. “How do you know the Mitchells are having sex?”
“Because their kid is standing on the balcony too.”
One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: “Drinks for all on me including you, bartender.” So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: “That will be $36.50 please.” The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender. “What, no drink for me?” replies the bartender. “Oh, no. You get violent when you drink.”
Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog’s collar and twists, breaking the dogs neck.
A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.
“Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal,” he starts writing in his notebook.
“But I’m not a Giants fan,” the little hero replied.
“Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were.” said the reporter and starts again. “Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack” he continued writing in his notebook.
“I’m not a Jets fan either,” the boy said.
“I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. What team do you root for?” the reporter asked.
“I’m a Cowboys fan,” the child said.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, “Little Redneck Maniac Kills Beloved Family Pet.”
A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese Laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes: “USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!”
She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so the following week she enclosed another note: “USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!”
The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from him: “I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES!!! USE MORE PAPER ON BUTT!!”