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Birthday Present

A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks, “I’ll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday.” Well, you can imagine her disappointment.

The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this time he doesn’t get her anything.

She says, “Why didn’t you get me a birthday present!?”

He replies, “You didn’t use what I got you last year!”

New Title

The chairman of the board of our company called me into his office to tell me the good news. I was being promoted to Vice President of Corporate Research and Planning.
Of course, I was excited, but that didn’t stop me from asking for my new title to be changed to Vice President of Corporate Planning and Research.
“Why?” asked the chairman.
“Because,” I said, “our organization uses abbreviated job titles, and I don’t want be known as VP of CRAP.”

Private Pool

On a hot summer afternoon a beautiful young woman came across a secluded pool, largely hidden from view by a row of bushes. After checking that nobody was around, she took off all her clothes, but just as she was about to jump in, a man appeared from behind the bushes.

“I’ve been watching you!” he yelled, “This is private farm land, and I’m the owner. Swimming in this pool is strictly prohibited.”

“You could have told me that before I undressed!” she said.

The farmer replied: “Swimming is prohibited; undressing isn’t.”

Big Man in a Small Town

Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first.

One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking. “No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won’t settle this case for less than one million. Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I’ll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay. Tell the DA that I’ll meet with him next week to discuss the details.”

This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man. “I’m sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I’m very busy. What can I do for you?”

The man replied, “I’m from the phone company. I came to hook up your phone.”

Talkative Passenger

For two solid hours, the lady sitting next to a man on an airplane had told him about her grandchildren. She had even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of the children.

She finally realized that she had dominated the entire conversation on her grandchildren.

“Oh, I’ve done all the talking, and I’m so sorry. I know you certainly have something to say. Please, tell me… what do you think of my grandchildren?”

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