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Elaborate Funeral

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. One thing that got everyone’s attention, was a huge flower covered heart on the wall behind the casket.
After the usual sermon by a preacher and testimonials from friends and colleagues, everyone finally learned the purpose of the huge heart. After a moment of silence, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
The long, stunned hush of the mourners was broken when a man near the front burst into laughter.
The preacher demanded an explanation.
“I’m sorry,” the man said, “I just pictured my own funeral.”
“And why would that be funny?” inquired annoyed preacher.
“I’m a proctologist!” said the man chuckling.

Calling a Witness

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”

She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”

She again replied, “Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.”

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, “If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.”

Hunting Contest

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all entered a hunting contest. The winner could win $500.

The redhead went out, found some tracks, followed the tracks, and came back with a 250 pound bear.

Then the brunette went out, found some tracks, followed the tracks, and came back with a 275 pound buck.

Finally, the blonde had to beat 275lbs, so she went out and found some tracks. She followed the tracks and came back with a broken leg and an arm, no teeth and blood all over.

The judge asked “What happened????”

The blonde said “I found some tracks, followed the tracks, and got hit by a train.”

Candy Colors

A grade school teacher often gave her students Lifesavers as a treat. The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red……………….Cherry
Yellow…………….Lemon
Green……………..Lime
Orange ……………Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all honey lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, “I will give you all a clue. It’s what your Mother may sometimes call your father.”

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, “Oh my God! They’re a-holes!”

Young and Old

A farmer owned 25 young hens and one old cock . He felt that the old cock could no longer handle his task efficiently, the farmer decided to buy a young cock from the market. 

When he brought the young cock home, the old cock approached it. 

Old cock: Welcome to join me, we will work together towards productivity.

Young cock: What do you mean? As far as I know, you are too old and should be retired.

Old cock : Young boy, there are 25 hens here, can’t I help you with some?

Young cock: No!! Not even one, all of them will be mine.

Old cock: In this case, I shall challenge you to a competition. If I win you shall allow me to have one hen, if I lose you will have them all.

Young cock: OK. What kind of competition?

Old cock: 50 meters run. From here to that tree. But due to my age, I hope you allow me to start off the first 10 meters.

Young cock: No problem! We will compete tomorrow morning.

In the morning the young cock allows the old cock to start off and when the old cock crosses the 10 meters mark the Young cock chases him with all his might. Soon enough, he is behind the old cock’s back in a matter of seconds. 

Suddenly…”BANG”!!! Before he could overtake the old cock, he was shot dead by the farmer who cursed, “Hell, I got to change my supplier, looks like it’s the fifth gay cock I bought this week!”

 

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