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A fire chief had just gotten married and on his honeymoon he informed his new wife that their house was going to be run like a firehouse.
He said that they would have sex on the bell system. He went on to say that one bell meant take your clothes off… two bells meant get into bed… and three bells meant start fooling around.
The fire chief came home from work one day and decided to try out his system. He hollered “One Bell” and she took off her clothes. He hollered “Two Bells” and she got into bed. He hollered “Three Bells” and they started fooling around like crazy.
A few minutes later, she yells “Four Bells!!!”
“Four Bells?” the fire chief asks, “What is four bells?”
“Let out more hose!” she yelled. “You’re nowhere near the fire!”
A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 6:30 after work.
His wife screams at him while his friend sits and listens in.
“My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I am still in my pajamas and I can’t be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the hell did you bring him home?”
Calmly the husband replies, “Because he’s thinking of getting married and I promised him a demo.”
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says confused “Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife.”
He answers, “You see, it’s like this. Yesterday I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes. She came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers because it’s soooo much cheaper. So I figured, if I can roll my own, so can she. “
There was a manager of a company who was ready to retire, so he began training his replacement.
Just before he left for good, he took the replacement aside and told him that if he ever got really jammed up, he should look in the center drawer of his desk and he would find two envelopes. He told him to open envelope #1.
Well, time goes by and one day, a big project went bad and the new manager was in real trouble over it. He remembered the drawer and the envelopes and went and got envelope #1 and opened it.
Inside was a sheet of paper with just two words on it—“Blame me!”
A few months later, the new manager again found himself in hot water and remembered that there was an envelope #2.
He went and opened that one and found another note. This one read, “Go get two envelopes.”
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home, reminiscing.
The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for one penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for one penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, “I can’t hear a word you’re saying, but I remember the guy you’re talking about.”