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Little Johnny runs to his mom yelling, “Mommy, Mommy. I was at the playground and I saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in Daddy’s car go into the woods.”
Johnny’s mom intrigued, asks him to continue with the story.
The boy goes on, “I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy…”
At this point Johnny’s mom cut him off and said, “Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell it tonight.”
At the dinner table, mom asks Little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny starts his story, describing the car going into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat and “… then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Navy.”
A man enters the confessional and says to the priest, “Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month.”
The priest tells the sinner, “You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Marys.”
Soon after, another man enters the confessional. “Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months.”
This time the priest asks,”Who is Nookie Green?”
“A new woman in the neighborhood,” the sinner replies.
“Very well, ” sighs the priest. “Go and say ten Hail Marys.”
At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon, a gorgeous, tall woman enters the sanctuary. All the men’s eyes fall upon her, as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.
The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart. The priest turns to the altar boy and whispered, “Is that Nookie Green?”
The bug-eyed altar boy replies, “No, I think it’s just the reflection off her shoes.”
John and Nancy were married for 40 years and decided they wanted to renew their vows and planned a second wedding.
They were discussing the details with their friends. Nancy wasn’t going to wear a traditional bridal gown and she started describing the dress she was planning to wear. One of her friends asked what color shoes she had to go with the dress.
Nancy replied, “Silver.”
At that point, her husband chimed in, “Yep, silver…to match her hair.”
Shooting a glaring look at John’s bald spot, Nancy’s friend said, “So, John, I guess you are going barefoot then.”
A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he had found a cat this weekend. The teacher asked if he took the cat home and took care of it.
“It was dead,” informed the student.
“How do you know?” the teacher asked.
“Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move,” said the child innocently.
“You did WHAT?!?”, the teacher exclaimed appalled.
“You know,” explained the boy, “I leaned over and went ‘pssst’ in its ear and it didn’t move.”
A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her. She jumped up and slapped him.
He immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.”
“Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable arse!” she screamed.
“Funny,” he muttered, “you even sound exactly like her.”