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Bad Pain

A 70 year old man went to his doctor’s office complaining about a pain in his private parts. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “We will start with a sperm test. Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow.” The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor’s office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: “Well, doc, it’s like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, teeth in, teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing.”

The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbor?” The old man replied, “Yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn’t get the darn jar open!”

Control Issues

Three men are at a bar, and two of the men are acting very macho and talking about the control they have over their wives. The third remains silent.

After a while, the first two men turn to the third and ask, “What about you? What kind of control do you have over your wife?”

The third man turns to the first two and says, “Well, I’ll tell you, just the other day I had her on her knees.”

The first two men were dumbfounded. “Whoa! What happened next?”, they asked, inching closer to hear what the third man had to say.

The third man took a healthy swig of his beer, sighed and said, “Yep. I had her on her knees. Until she started screaming, ‘Get out from under the bed and fight like a man!'”

An Almost Affair

This married man goes to confessional and he tells the priest, “I had an affair with a woman… almost.”

The priest says, “What do you mean almost?”

The man says, “Well, we got undressed and rubbed together but then I stopped.”

The priest replies, “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to go near that woman again. Now say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box.”

The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.

The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, “I saw that, you didn’t put any money in the poor box!”

The man replied, “Well Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same as putting it in!”

The Blonde Stewardess

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day’s route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn’t get out of her room.

“You can’t get out of your room?” the captain asked, “Why not?”

The stewardess replied, “There are only three doors in here, “she cried,” one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says ‘Do Not Disturb’!”

Armed Lady

A state trooper in Kansas made a traffic stop of an elderly lady for speeding on U.S. 166 just East of Sedan, KS. He asked for her driver’s license, registration, and proof of insurance. The lady took out the required information and handed it to him.

In with the cards, he was somewhat surprised (due to her advanced age) to see she had a concealed carry permit. He looked at her and asked if she had a weapon in her possession at this time. She responded that she indeed had a .45 automatic in her glove box.

Something, body language, or the way she said it, made him want to ask if she had any other firearms. She did admit to also having a 9mm Glock in her center console. Now he had to ask one more time if that was all. She responded once again that she did have just one more, a .38 special in her purse.

He then asked her “Ma’am, you sure carry a lot of guns. What are you so afraid of?”

She looked him right in the eye and said, “Not a dam thing!”

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