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John, woke up after the annual office party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
“Louise,” he moaned, “tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?”
“Even worse,” she said, her voice oozing scorn. “You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face.”
“He’s a jerk,” John said. “Piss on him.”
“You did,” came the reply. “And he fired you.”
“Well, screw him!” said John.
“I did. You’re back at work on Monday.”
At a local supermarket, the teenage bagger was helping an older man bag his groceries. One of the rules there was that baggers cannot accept tips when helping people bring groceries to their car. Both the employees and the customers knew of the rule.
Grateful for his help, the older man leans forward to the teenager that just helped him unpack the cart into his car, sneaks a buck into the teenager’s hand and whispers: “Here young man. I want you to have a picture of your uncle George.”
Thinking quickly, the teen pocketed the ‘picture’ and then asked the man, “Any chance you happen to have pictures of my grandfathers Ulysses or Benjamin?”
The math teacher was giving a lesson on fractions and wrote an example on the chalkboard. He explained that the numerator was the top and the denominator was the bottom. Leaning against the board, he asked the class, “Are there any questions?”
When he turned back to face the board, laughter filled the room. “Mr. Alexander,” one student giggled, “you have chalk dust all over your denominator!”
One Spring afternoon, I came home to find two little girls on the steps of my building. Both were crying hard, shedding big tears. Thinking they might be hurt, I dropped my briefcase and quickly went over to them. “Are you all right?” I asked.
Still sobbing, one held up her doll. “My baby’s arm came off,” she said.
I took the doll and its disjointed arm. After a little effort and luck, the doll was again whole. “Thank you,” came a whisper from the girl as I handed her the doll back. Next, looking into the tearful eyes of her friend, I asked, “And what’s the matter with you, young lady?”
She wiped her cheeks and said, “Oh I’m okay, I was just helping her cry.”
Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with lines in the water. A game warden comes up behind them and says, “Excuse me, ladies, I’d like to see your fishing licences.”
“But officer,” replied one blonde, “we aren’t fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and were collecting debris off the bottom of the river.”
The game warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line.
“Well, I know of no law against it. Take all the debris you want.” Then he left.
As soon as he was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing.
“What a stupid fish cop!” The one blonde said to the others, “Doesn’t he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?!”