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Hey Lady

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.” The lady thought she misheard what the parrot said and went to work.

On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.” She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.”

The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn’t say it again.

When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, “Hey lady.”

She paused and said, “Yes?”

The bird said, “You know!”

Wedding Vows

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer: “Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I’m supposed to promise to ‘love, honor and obey’ and ‘be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that out.” He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom’s vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said: “Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live? ”The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, “Yes,” then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: “I thought we had a deal.” The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom’s hand and whispered: “She made me a better offer.”

Perfect Marriage

A couple, famous among their friends and family for never having a single argument, was celebrating their 25th Anniversary. They threw a party and invited all of their friends to celebrate with them. During the party somoene asked about their secret to a peaceful marriage.

Recaling their honeymoon, the husband started: “We went to Scotland for honeymoon after our wedding. One day there, we went for a horseback riding trip. My horse was pretty okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy one. On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly, making her topple over. Recovering her position from the ground, she patted the horse’s back and said “This is your first time”. She again climbed the horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened again. This time she again kept calm and said “This is your second time” and continued. When the horse dropped her third time, she silently took out the revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead!! Shocked, I shouted: “What did you do you psycho. You killed the poor animal. Are you crazy?”

She gave me a cold look and said: “This is your first time!!!” and we have been happy ever after.”

Night Out

Two women go out one Friday night without their husbands. As they head back home, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. The only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.

The first one did not have anything to clean herself with, so she took off her panties, used them to clean herself and discarded them.

The second not finding anything either, thought, “I’m not getting rid of my panties…” so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath to clean herself.

The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other, “We have to be on the look-out. It seems that these two were up to no good last night. My wife came home without her panties!”

The other responded, “You’re lucky! Mine came home with a card stuck to her ass that read ‘From all of us at the Fire Station we will never forget you!

A Quickie

Yesterday morning, I went downstairs, and I found my wife in the kitchen. She was preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the ‘T-shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, still half asleep, she turned to me and said softly, “you’ve got to make love to me this very moment!”

My eyes lit up as I thought, “I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.” Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, “Thanks,” and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, “what was that about?”
She explained, “The egg timer’s broken!!!”

 

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