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Pickup Line

A rather elderly gentleman walks into an upscale hotel cocktail lounge. He is very well-dressed, smelling slightly of an expensive after-shave, hair well-groomed, great-looking suit, flower in his lapel. He presents a suave, well-looked-after image.

Seated at the bar is an elderly fine-looking lady in her mid-seventies. The gentleman walks over, sits down next to her, and orders a drink.

He takes a sip then turns to her and says, “So tell me good looking, do I come here often?”

Children’s Sermon

A Baptist pastor was presenting a children’s sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was.

Now, asking questions during children’s sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.

Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand. The pastor called on him and the little boy said,

“I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor.”

Moral: Don’t let your kids watch too much TV.

Lottery Winnings

Dave went to his local lotto center to check his ticket. When the clerk checked his ticket Dave was told that he had won 5 million dollars. Dave went right home.

When he saw his wife he said, “I just won the lottery and I am going now to collect my winnings. I want you to be packed before I get back.”

His wife very excitedly asked, “What should I pack, warm or cold weather clothes?”

Dave looked at her and said “I don’t care as long as you are gone when I get home.”

Biology Mid-term

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.  The last question was, “Name seven advantages of Mother’s Milk.” The question was worth 70 points or none at all.  One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child. 
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers and it’s high enough off the ground where the cat can’t get it.

Secret Spot

At a restaurant both, celebrating their 50th Anniversary, the husband leans over and asks his wife, “Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.”

Yes, she says, “I remember it well.”

“OK,” he says, “How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time’s sake?”

“Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!”

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I’ve got to follow these two to keep an eye on them in case they need help.

The  couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, they suddenly erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn’t know..

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I’ve got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, “Excuse me, but that was something else. You must’ve had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?”

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, “Well, fifty years ago that wasn’t an electric fence.”