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Zombie Attack

An American lawyer invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him in his mountain cabin. Early in the morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they were picking blueberries, along came two large zombies – a male and a female.
The lawyer, seeing the two zombies, climbed a tree.

His friend wasn’t so lucky and the male zombie caught him and ate him whole.

The lawyer drove his car to town as fast has he could to get a policeman. The policeman took his gun and ran to the berry patch with the lawyer.

Sure enough, the two zombies were still there. “He’s in THAT one!” said the lawyer, pointing to the male zombie.

The policeman looked at the zombies, took careful aim with his gun, and SHOT THE FEMALE ZOMBIE.

“What did you do that for!” shouted the lawyer, “I said he was in the other zombie!”

“Exactly,” answered the policeman. “Would YOU believe a lawyer who told you two weeks ago that the Czech was in the Male?”

Strip Down

There was a bit of confusion at the Bass Pro Sporting Goods store this morning.  When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets, the cashier said: “strip down, facing me.”

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control whackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed. When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card-reader.  I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer! I still don’t think I looked that bad!!!!

Nudist Colony

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.

Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo.

He’s really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother’s eyesight is, and hopes she won’t notice.

A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, “Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style, it makes your nose look too short.”

Penny Trick

After tucking their three-year-old son in bed one night, his parents heard sobbing coming from his room.

Rushing back in, they found him crying hysterically. He managed to tell them that he had swallowed a penny and he was sure he was going to die.

No amount of talking helped. His father, in an attempt to calm him down, palmed a penny from his pocket and pretended to pull it from his ear.

The little boy was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from his father’s hand, swallowed it, then cheerfully demanded, “Do it again, Dad!”

Wife needed

A man, desperate to get married after looking for a year and tight on money, finally decides to publish a matrimonial in the local daily.

Not willing to spend too much on the ad, he decides to keep it short. “Urgently needed – one odd wife.” is what his ad said.

The next day he received 459 responses, each saying the same thing-: “Take mine. Will deliver for no extra charge.”

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