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An old penny pincher had no friends. Just before he died he asked his doctor, lawyer, and pastor to gather around him at bedside.
“I have always heard that you can’t take it with you. But I want to disprove that theory,” he said. “I have $90,000 under my mattress, and when I die, just before they throw the dirt on me at my burial, I want you each to toss in an envelope with $30,000 within.”
The three attended the funeral and each threw his envelope in the grave. On the way back from the cemetery, the pastor said, “I must confess. I needed $10,000 for my new church, so I only threw in $20,000.”
The doctor then said, “I must confess too. I needed $20,000 for a new hospital I was opening up, so I only threw in $10,000.”
The lawyer looked at them both and shook his head. He then said, “Gentlemen, I’m surprised, shocked, and ashamed of you. I don’t see how you could dare to go against that man’s final wish. I mean, I threw in my personal check for the full amount.”
Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church’s morals, kept sticking her nose into other people’s business. Several
members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town’s only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.
George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn’t explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.
Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred’s house, walked home, and left it there all night.
Little Johnny watched fascinated as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
“Why do you do that, mommy?” he asked.
“To make myself beautiful,” said his mother. After a few minutes, the mother began removing the cream with a tissue.
“What’s the matter?” asked little Johnny. “Giving up so soon?”
Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the night before.
The first man signed to his friend, “My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble.”
The second deaf man signed back, “Boy you’re lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me hell for being out so late.”
The first deaf man asked, “So, what did you do?”
The second man replied, “I turned out the light.”
An old couple is sitting in their living room when the old woman leans over and says to the old man, “Remember when we were younger and you used to hold my hand?”
The old man grabs the old woman’s hand.
Then she says, “Remember when we were younger and you used to put your arm around me?”
The old man puts his arm around the old woman.
Then she says, “Remember when we were younger and you used to nibble on my ear?”
To the old woman’s surprise, the old man gets up off the couch and starts to walk away. “Honey, where are you going?” she says.
The old man replies, “I’m going to get my dentures.”