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A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away and the same again. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the damn cat would always beat him home. At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later, the man calls home to his wife: “Jen, is the cat there?”
“Yes”, the wife answers, “why do you ask?”
Frustrated, the man answered: “Put that son of a b….. on the phone, I’m lost and need directions!”
A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem – the captain’s parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, “Look, It’s not the same hat!” or, “Look, he’s hiding the flowers under the table!” Or “Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?” The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything. it was, after all, the Captain’s’ parrot.
Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it, with the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day. And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said….
“OK, I give up. Where’s the damn ship?”
The lawyer says to the wealthy art collector tycoon: “I have some good news and, I have some bad news.”
The tycoon replies: “I’ve had an awful day, let’s hear the good news first.”
The lawyer says: “Well your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures this week that she figures are worth a minimum of $2 to $3 million.”
The tycoon replies enthusiastically: “Well done. Very good news indeed! You’ve just made my day. Now what’s the bad news?”
The lawyer answers: “The pictures are of you with your secretary.”
The defendant was before the judge in court. The judge says “You have been charged with the murder of your wife by smashing her skull with a hammer until she was dead.”
A voice from the back of the court yells “You bastard!!!”
Next the judge says “You have also been charged with the death of your mother-in-law by smashing her skull with a hammer until she was dead.”
Again the voice from the back of the court yells “You’re a bastard!”
The judge looks towards the back of the court and says “If the man in the back can’t control himself I will have to ask him to leave.”
The man replies “I’m sorry judge, but I lived next to that bastard for 20 years and every time I asked him if I could borrow a hammer he’d tell me he didn’t have one”
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery. He insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.
“Yes, Dad, what is it?” asked the son.
“Don’t be nervous, son, do your best. Just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife.”