Doctor Doodles
By The following quotes were taken from actual medical records as dictated by physicians. (Courtesy of Richard Lederer, Ph.D. “Fractured English.”)
– By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped and he was feeling better.
– Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
– The patient states there is a burning pain in his penis which goes to his feet.
– On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
– She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
– The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
– I will be happy to go into her GI system. She seems ready and anxious.
– Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.
– I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.
– The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
– Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
– The patient will need disposition, therefore Dr. Blank will dispose of him.
– Healthy-appearing, decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
– The patient refused an autopsy.
– The patient has no past history of suicides.
– The patient expired on the floor unetentfully.
– Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
– Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency.
– The patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
– She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
– The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.
– The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.