Doctor Doodles

The following quotes were taken from actual medical records as dictated by physicians. (Courtesy of Richard Lederer, Ph.D. “Fractured English.”)

– By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped and he was feeling better.

– Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

– The patient states there is a burning pain in his penis which goes to his feet.

– On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.

– She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

– The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.

– I will be happy to go into her GI system. She seems ready and anxious.

– Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.

– I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.

– The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

– Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

– The patient will need disposition, therefore Dr. Blank will dispose of him.

– Healthy-appearing, decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

– The patient refused an autopsy.

– The patient has no past history of suicides.

– The patient expired on the floor unetentfully.

– Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

– Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency.

– The patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

– She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

– The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.

– The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.

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