Bad Pain

A 70 year old man went to his doctor’s office complaining about a pain in his private parts. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “We will start with a sperm test. Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow.” The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor’s office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: “Well, doc, it’s like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, teeth in, teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing.”

The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbor?” The old man replied, “Yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn’t get the darn jar open!”

Police Roundup

A girl was a prostitute, but she did not want her grandma to know. One day the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and she was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway.

Suddenly the girl’s grandma came by and saw her. ”Why are you standing in line, dear?” she asked. Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, the girl told her that the policemen were passing out free oranges. ”Why, that is awfully nice of them! I think I’ll get some for myself,” said the grandma.

A policeman went down the line, asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he exclaimed, ”Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?”
Grandma replied, ”Oh, it’s easy, dear. I just take out my dentures and suck them dry!”

 

A Quickie

Yesterday morning, I went downstairs, and I found my wife in the kitchen. She was preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the ‘T-shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, still half asleep, she turned to me and said softly, “you’ve got to make love to me this very moment!”

My eyes lit up as I thought, “I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.” Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, “Thanks,” and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, “what was that about?”
She explained, “The egg timer’s broken!!!”

 

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