You seen my parakeet

Tom, the town handy man was called on to install wall to wall carpeting for the mayor’s wife.

Arriving early, Tom spent all day installing the carpet.

Just as he was finishing, the mayor’s wife decided the carpet was the wrong color.

Arriving early the next day, he pulled up the old carpet and put down the new.

Again just as he was about to leave, the mayor’s wife came in and declared the nap of the carpet was all wrong.

The third day he arrived early again determined to lay the new carpet and get out of the house before the mayor’s wife could find something wrong with this carpet.

As he was rounding up his tools to go home he noticed a lump under the carpet in the middle of the living room. He felt his shirt pocket for his cigarettes, they were gone.

After spending three days carpeting the same house he was not about to take the carpet back up. Finding a two by four he pounded the lump smooth.

Carrying his tools back to his truck, Tom spotted his cigarettes on the seat of the truck at the same moment he heard the mayor’s wife say, “Have you seen my parakeet?”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

Flossing

Q: Why do tampons have strings?

A: So you can floss when you get done eating…

New Patents

There was this guy at the patent office counter and said,” I want to patent this Peach.” The clerk asked,”What’s so special about your peach?”The guy said, taste it, so he did. He told the guy it taste like a peach, so what? He then said, turn it around! The clerk took a bite and said,”wow, this tastes like an apple! You have your Patent!”Then the next guy walks up and said,”I want to patent this cookie!”The clerk said,”now what is so special about your cookie?”In return the guy said, “It tastes like a woman’s snatch!” The clerk said “I gotta try this” so he took a bite. He then said,” Oh man, this tastes like shit!” The man at the counter said, “Turn it around!”

Page 10 of 37« First...89101112...2030...Last »