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Dust in the Underwear
One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer. “What the ???” he said to himself as a little “dust” cloud appeared when he shook them out.
“April,” he hollered into the bathroom, “why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?”
She shot back: “It’s not talcum powder. It’s ‘Miracle Grow’.”
Girls
99% of the girls are beautiful, remaining 1% of the girls are in my school!
Computer Virus List 3
X-files virus:
All your Icons start shape shifting
Spice Girl virus:
Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop
Ronald Reagan virus:
Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored
Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus:
Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them
Sonny Bono virus:
Just when you get surfing the web, a firewall appears out of no where
Martha Stewart virus:
Takes all your files, sorts them by category and folds them into cute little doilies to be displayed on your desktop
AT&T virus:
Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting
MCI virus:
Every 3 minutes it reminds you that you’re paying too much for the AT&T virus
Arnold Schwarzenegger virus:
Terminates and stays resident. It’ll be back
Mirror
Legend has it that there is a restaurant in New York where, in
the Ladies Room there is a very special mirror. If one stands in
front of the mirror and tells the truth, one is granted a wish.
However, if one tells a lie–*poof*–you are instantly swallowed
up by the mirror, never to be seen again.
Sooooo, A redhead of questionable looks walks into the Ladies
Room and stands before the mirror and says, “I think I’m the
most beautiful woman in the world.”–*poof*–The mirror swallows
her.
Next a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says,
“I think I’m losing weight.”–*poof*–The mirror swallows her.
Then an absolutely gorgeous blond comes in and stands before the
mirror and says, “I think….”–*poof*–
The real Joe Schmoe
Joe was not a very romantic person, and furthermore he was rather stupid.
But he wanted to impress his wife, so he took her out for an anniversary dinner and watched the couples around them, following their leads.
He observed the couple next to him.
The man lifted a sugar shaker towards his wife’s cup and said, “Sugar, sugar?”
Joe thought this was great and continued to listen around the dining room.
Another table over Joe observed the following.
A man spooned out some honey out of a bowl for his wife and asked, “Honey, honey?”
Again Joe thought this was good stuff.
Finally, he cut off a piece of his meat, stared longingly into his young wife’s eyes and said, “Ham, pig?”
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
Toaster Makers?
* If Oracle made toasters… They’d claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you’d discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away and that, indeed, the whole appliance was just blowing smoke!
* If HP made toasters… They would market the Reverse Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread!
* If IBM made toasters… They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.
* If Xerox made toasters… You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.
* If Circuit City made toasters… The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.
* If Thinking Machines made toasters… You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time.
* If Cray made toasters… They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world.
* If the Rand Corporation made toasters… It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.
* If the NSA made toasters… Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security.
* If Sony made toasters… The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.
* If Timex made toasters… They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.
* If Fisher Price made toasters… ‘Baby’s First Toaster’ would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a jack-in-the-box.
* If Microsoft made toasters… Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn’t have to take the toaster, but you’d still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster ’02 would weigh 15,000 pounds (requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.
* If Apple made toasters… It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but five years earlier and ten times better!