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Ole and Lena were sitting down to their usual…
Ole and Lena were sitting down to their usual cup of morning coffee
listening to the weather report coming over the radio.
“There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the
streets.” Ole got up from his coffee and replies “Jeez, okay.”
Two days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of
morning coffee and the weather forecast is, “There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets.” Ole got up from his coffee and replies, “Jeez, okay.”
Three days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of
coffee and the weather forecast is, “There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the…” and then the power went out and Ole didn’t get the rest of the instructions.
He says to Lena, “Jeez, what am I going to do now, Lena?”
Lena replies, “Aw, Ole, yust leave the car in the garage.”
Bin Laden's Surprise
After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There he is greeted by George Washington. “How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!” yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the face. Patrick Henry comes up from behind: “You wanted to end the Americans’ liberty, so they gave you death!” Henry punches Osama on the nose. James Madison comes up next, and says, “This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!” He drops a large weight on Osama’s knee. Osama is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe and 65 other 18th-century American revolutionaries. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged. As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams, “This is not what I was promised!” An angel replies: “I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?”
OBJECTS IN MIR IS CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR.
After intensive investigation on both the Soviet and US parts, spokespersons
from both space agencies have determined the cause for the accident, which has
placed the station and its resident personnel in jeopardy. In terse statements
at a recent press conference, Soviet and US space agency spokespersons said
Thursday We have concluded joint investigations concerning this potentially
tragic accident and each nations’ team, separately, has arrived at identical
conclusions for this incident. The accident was caused by one thing and one
thing only…
Wide open space
Your mommas so fat hat when she bends over astronomers think its a black hole.
Three Men and a River
Once there were three blond who were all trying to figure out
how to cross a river. They tried walking across, but it was much
too deep. Stumped, they sat down and began to cry.
Soon, a kind fairy came along. When she saw their tears, she
offered to give them each a wish if they would stop weeping.
The first man wished, “I wish I was smart enough to figure out
how to cross this river.”
-POOF!-
The fairy turned him into a man with light-brown hair. He swam
across the river.
The second man wished, “I wish I was even smarter than that.”
-POOF!-
The fairy turned him into a man with dark-brown hair. He built a
rowboat and rowed across.
The third man wished, “I want to be smarter then any man alive!”
-POOF!-
The fairy turned him into a woman and he walked across the
bridge.
Drinking Buddies
Two men are sitting next to each other in an Irish-style pub in New York City. They both order pints of Guinness. One of them turns to the other and says “So where are you from, then?””I’m from Ireland.””Me too! I’ll drink to that.”They both finish their pints and order two more.”Where in Ireland are you from?””Dublin.””Me too! I’ll drink to that.”They both finish their pints and order two more. “Where in Dublin are you from?””The East Side.””The East Side? Me too! What a coincidence! I’ll drink to that!” They both finish their pints and order two more.”Where on the East Side are you from?””McDonagh Street.””Me too! This is incredible! I’ll drink to that.”As the bartender pours them another two pints, another customer at the bar says to him, “That’s amazing! I can’t believe they’re from the same street in Dublin. What’s going on?””Oh, it’s nothing amazing,” says the bartender,”it’s just the Ferguson twins getting sloshed again.”