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Haven't I seen you on TV
Haven’t I seen you on TV
Well yes I do appear off and on, how do you like me?
Off.
You're a redneck … you think the stock
You’re a redneck if …. You think the stock market is a place to buy hogs.
Right Handle
While making love, the wife noticed her husband trimmed nicely and asked him who did the job. “The saloon down the corner darling” said the husband and added that the price was cheap too, only five dollars. The wife, needing a trim badly, went to the neighbourhood saloon the nest day and ordered her own trimmed. She was happy with the job and handed the man a five dollar bill. “Ten dollars lady” said the man and no less. The wife retorted saying she would pay no more than five dollars, exactly the amount her husband paid the previous day for his trim. “Oh” cried the hair cutter, “it was a man and we charge 5 dollars only from men!” The wife was aghast and asked the reason for the discrepency. The cutter laughed and said “handle lady; men give us the handle making our job easy with them!!”
Whats the diffrence between a bad glofer and…
Whats the diffrence between a bad glofer and a bad skydiver.?
A bad golfer goes WACK… Shit!
A bad skydiver goes Shit!… WACK!
Student's prayer
Now I sit me down in school
Where praying is against the rule.
For this great nation under God
Finds mention of Him very odd.
If Scripture now the class recites,
It violates the Bill of Rights.
And anytime my head I bow
Becomes a federal matter now.
Our hair can be purple or orange or green,
That’s no offense, it’s the freedom scene.
The law is specific, the law is precise,
Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice.
For praying in a public hall
Might offend someone with no faith at all.
In silence alone we must meditate,
God’s name is prohibited by the State.
We’re allowed to cuss & dress like freaks,
And pierce our noses, tongues & cheeks.
They’ve outlawed guns; but FIRST the Bible.
To quote the Good Book makes me liable.
We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen,
And the unwed daddy, our Senior King.
It’s “inappropriate” to teach right from wrong,
We’re taught that such “judgments” do not belong.
We can get our condoms, & birth controls,
Study witchcraft, vampires & totem poles.
But the Ten Commandments are not allowed,
No Word of God must reach this crowd.
It’s scary here I must confess,
When chaos reigns, the school’s a mess.
So, Lord, this silent plea I make:
Should I be shot, My soul please take.
Horse�s ass
As Governor, Bush got to ceremonially act as a state trooper for a day. While
operating a speed trap Bush pulled over a Texas farmer. He lectured the farmer
about his speed and the necessity of obeying laws made by his superiors, and in
general threw his weight around. Finally, he got around to writing the ticket,
and as he was doing so he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around
his head. The farmer said, “Having some problems with circle flies there, are
ya, Sir?” Bush stopped writing the ticket and said, “Well yeah, if that’s what
they are — I never heard of circle flies.” So the farmer says, “Well, circle
flies are common on farms. See, they’re called circle flies because they’re
almost always found circling around the back end of horses.” Bush says, “Oh,”
and goes back to writing the ticket. After a minute he stops and slowly says,
“Hey… wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse’s ass?” The farmer
says, “Oh no, Governor, I have too much respect for you to even think about
calling you a horse’s ass.” Grinning broadly, Bush says, “Well, that’s a good
thing,” and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer
says, “Hard to fool them flies though.”