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Archive for the ‘jokes’ Category

Quick Acting

While eating a juicy pickle at the kitchen counter, a three-year-old girl stuck out her hand toward her mom and said, “Look at the fly I killed, Mommy.”

Shocked, her mom thrust her contaminated hands under the faucet and washed them with antibacterial soap.

After sitting her down to finish her pickle, the mom asked, with a touch of awe, “How did you kill that fly all by yourself?”

Between bites, the girl replied, “I hit it with my pickle.”

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Room Change

The drunk staggered up to the hotel reception and demanded his room be changed.

“But sir,” said the clerk, “you have the best room in the hotel.”

“I insist on another room!!” said the drunk.

“Very good, sir. I`ll change you from 502 to 555. Would you mind telling me why you don’t like 502?” asked the clerk.

“Well, for one thing,” said the drunk, “it’s on fire.”

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Impartial Juror

As a court clerk, I am well-versed in the jury-selection process.

First a computer randomly selects a few hundred citizens from the entire county to report for jury duty on a particular day. Then another computer assigns 40 of those present to a courtroom. Then the 40 names are placed in a drum, and a dozen names are pulled.

With all this randomization, you tell me what are the chances this would happen. During jury selection for a trial last week, the judge asked potential Juror No. 12 if there was any reason he could not be a fair and impartial juror.

“There may be,” he replied.

“Please explain,” asked the judge.

“Juror No. 1 is my ex-wife, and if we were on the same jury, I guarantee we would not be able to agree on anything.”

Both were excused.

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When I Grow Up

After a church service on Sunday morning, a six year old boy suddenly announced to his mother, “Mom, when I grow up I want to be a priest.”

“That’s great,” she said, “but what made you decide that?”

“Well,” said the little boy, “I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit down and listen.”

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Fire Engine

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little boy next door in a little red wagon with a tiny ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The boy is wearing a fire fighter’s helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look.

“That sure is a nice fire truck,” the fire fighter says with admiration.

“Thanks,” says the little boy.

As the fire fighter looks a little closer, he notices the boy has tied the wagon to the dog’s collar and to the cat’s testicles.

“Little partner,” the fire fighter says, “I don’t want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, I think you could go faster.”

The little boy says, “You’re probably right, but then I wouldn’t have a siren.”

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Good and Bad News

“I have good news and bad news,” a defense attorney told his client who has been on trial without bail, “Which one would you like to hear first?”

“Give me the bad news first, I guess,” said the client.

“The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with the sample found on the victim’s dress,” replied the attorney.

“Oh, no, I’m ruined!” cried the client. “What’s the good news?”

“Your cholesterol is down to 140 so clearly the prison diet is good for you.”

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Daddy’s Calling

A housewife with three young children was getting dinner ready when the phone rang. The six-year-old picked it up and said, “Hi, Daddy!” and she began telling him about her day.

She then passed the phone to her brother and sister as was the custom whenever Daddy called from work.

When it was finally the wife’s turn to talk she took the receiver and said, “Hi, honey.”

“Thank goodness, lady,” the voice on the other end replied. “I just called to tell you that the wallpaper you ordered is here!”

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Chatty Sally

Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school.

Her marks were good, mostly A’s and a couple of B’s.
However, her teacher had written across the bottom: “Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit.”

Sally’s dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: “Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother.”

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Hair Loss Solution

A man was going bald and told his friends he was going to get a rabbit tattooed on his head as it was a lot cheaper than an implant or a toupée.

His friends asked how getting a rabbit tattooed on his head would help?

The man replied, “Well, at least from a distance it will look like hare.”

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Accountant in Vegas

An accountant was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the madame, “Is this a union house?”

“No, I’m sorry, it isn’t.”

“Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?”

“The house gets $80 and the girls get $20.”

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop.

His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the madame said, “Why yes, this is a union house.”

“And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?”

“The girls get $80 and the house gets $20.”

“That’s more like it!” the man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. “I’d like her for the night.”

“I’m sure you would, sir,” said the madame, gesturing to a fat 50-year-old woman in the corner, “but Ethel here has seniority.”

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