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Archive for the ‘jokes’ Category

Shoplifter

The manager of a grocery store nabbed a shoplifter in the act. He was escorting the suspect to his office, near the cash registers, when the shoplifter tried to run away.
After a brief scuffle the manager was able to wrestle the thief to the floor. He looked up to see a number of surprised customers staring at him.
“Everything’s fine, folks,” the manager assured them. “This guy just tried to go through the express line with more than ten items.”

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Woman’s Wrath

A woman dies after a long illness, and finds herself just outside of heaven, at the Pearly Gates. Just then, St Peter comes along, and she asks him: “Is this heaven? How can I enter the gates?”

St Peter replies: “Yes, this is heaven. All you have to do is spell one word for me, and you’ll be free to enter.”

“What word?,” she asks. “Please tell me!”

“Spell LOVE,” and you can enter, replied St Peter.

Relieved, she spells the word correctly, and St Peter opens the gates for her. After she had been in heaven for some time, the woman became quite comfortable and happy, but she still missed her beloved husband who she left on the Earth. As an extra way of being of service, she asks to become a helper of St Peter, along with others who greet the newcomers to heaven and usher them through the pearly gates. Imagine her surprise one day when her husband appeared at the gates.

“Darling! I thought you’d never get here,” she says in greeting. “I have missed you so much. tell me, what have you been doing all this time? Was life hard for you after I left?”

Her husband replied: “Well, it’s good to see you, too! Yes, I have been quite busy. I was very sorry when you left, but I was quite attracted to that cute nurse who helped you through your last days, and we ended up getting married a few months after your passing. And then I won the lottery! Can you imagine? I was able to buy a large mansion, a new car, retired from my job, and my new wife and I traveled the world and we have had a grand life. We were on a vacation in the Greek isles and while I was water-skiing, my ski fell off and hit me in the head,so, here I am! I was sorry to leave her and the earth, but it’s really great to see you again. Gee, it looks so nice in there. Is this heaven?”

The woman looked at him, smiled sweetly, and says: “Well, imagine that! I have missed you so much, and hoped that you missed me, too. Oh well, I guess life goes on right?”

“Right!,” he said. “So, tell me, how do I get in?

Oh, yes,” she replied. “All you have to do is spell one word”

“Okay!” he said excitedly. “What word?

“Czechoslovakia”

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Ugly Drunk

Having had one too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display an ugly side.

A lone female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, “Hey! How about it babe? You and me?”

As she got up to move, he said loudly, “Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I don’t have an extra two dollars.”

She looked back and replied just as loudly, “What makes you think I charge by the inch?”

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Memory Lane

A couple married thirty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road.

The woman said, “Sweetheart, let’s do the same thing we did here thirty years ago.”

The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence, and they made love like never before.

Back in the car, the guy says, “Darling, you sure never moved like That thirty years ago, or any time since that I can remember!”

The woman says, “thirty years ago that fence wasn’t electrified!”

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Slow Golfers

A priest, a doctor, and an lawyer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The lawyer fumed, “What’s with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!”

The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such inept golf!”

The priest said, “Here comes the green-keeper. Let’s have a word with him.” He said, “Hello George, what’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?”

The green-keeper replied, “Oh, yes. That’s a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.”

The group fell silent for a moment.

The priest said, “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.”

The doctor said, “Good idea. I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there’s anything he can do for them.”

The lawyer scratched his head and said, “Why can’t they play at night?”

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Air Force Recruiting

The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He directed a nearby Air Force base that will be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited.
As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself.
He looked at the first young man and asked, “Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?”
The young man looked at him and said, “I’m a pilot!”
The general got all excited, turned to his aide and said, “Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!”
The aide hustled the young man off. The general looked at the second young man and asked, “What skills to you bring to the Air Force?”
The young man said, “I chop wood!”
“Son,” the general replied, “we don’t need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?”
“I chop wood!”
“Young man,” huffed the general, “you are not listening to me, we don’t need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!”
“Well,” the young man said, “you hired my brother!”
“Of course we did,” said the general, “he’s a pilot!”
The young man rolled his eyes and said, “So what! I have to chop it before he can pile it!”

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Human Body Design

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.

One said, “It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.”

Another said, “No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.”

The last one said, “No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?”

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Dad’s Mistake

It’s the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He’s a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl’s father answers and invites him in. “Carrie’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?” he says.

“That’s cool,” says Bobby.

Carrie’s father asks Bobby what they’re planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

Carrie’s father responds, “Why don’t you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.”

Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie’s dad to repeat it.

“Yeah,” says Carrie’s father, “Carrie really likes to screw; she’d screw all night if we let her!”

Well, this just made Bobby’s eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good.

A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she’s ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: “DARN IT, DADDY! THE TWIST!! IT’S CALLED THE TWIST!”

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Volunteer Crew

A fire started on some grasslands near a farm. The county fire department was called to put out the fire. The fire was more than the county fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called. Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made.

The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight towards the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames and stopped! The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily-controlled parts.

Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department’s work and was so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.

“That ought to be obvious,” he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. “The first thing we’re gonna do is get the brakes fixed on our fire truck!”

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A Scot in New York

A Scottish mother visits her son in his New York City apartment and asks, “How do you find the Americans, Brody?”

“Mother,” says Brody, “they’re such noisy people. One neighbor won’t stop banging his head against the wall, while the other screams and screams all night long.”

“Oh, Brody! How do you manage to put up with them?”

“What can I do? I just lie in bed quietly, playing my bagpipes.”

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