The Top 13 Signs You Won't be Named Homecoming King or Queen
By 13. The Homecoming Queen Mum won’t abdicate or die.
12. Despite the fact that you confessed, and that some portions of the school weren’t badly burned, the principal has vindictively removed you from the running.
11. Too busy visiting your homeroom teacher and your new baby at the prison hospital to attend the festivities.
10. Classmates still sore about you opening fire on them in the cafeteria.
9. You managed to garner the support of the President of the United States, but those AV club bastards caught you doing it and sent the tape to Ken Starr.
8. Too busy helping with the local Star Trek convention to think about anything else.
7. Your big pep rally speech, “Football should be abolished because it distracts us from our studies,” seemed like a progressive idea at the time.
6. One word: pus
5. When you and the janitor are on a first-name basis, you ain’t gonna be no homecoming anything, protractor-boy.
4. You were already elected Homecoming Ho.
3. Your scrawny neck barely supports your bulbous head, and the added weight of the crown would no doubt snap it like a dry twig.
2. School name: Eldridge Cleaver High Your name: Mark Fuhrman, Jr.
1. Your loss in the all-night Dungeons & Dragons marathon for the “Championship of the Cosmos” means that you have to vote for your friend, Marvin.