Ski Practice
By It’s time for skiing again! Do the following exercises to prepare for the
real experience!
16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for
a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.
15. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.
14. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head
before you go to bed each night.
13. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the
lenses.
12. Throw away a hundred dollar bill now.
11. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski
boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are
looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.
10. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed
ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
9. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
8. Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into
you at high speed.
7. Go to McDonald’s and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure
you are in the longest line.
6. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle
fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
5. Drive slowly for five hours, anywhere, as long as it’s in a snowstorm
and you’re following an 18 wheeler.
4. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast
your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into
your clothes.
3. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them
off because you have to go to the bathroom.
2. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don’t go see a doctor.
1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it’s time for
the real thing!