Political Periodic Table
By In a recent contest, The Washington Post asked readers to dream up new
elements for the Periodic Table. Among the best of the batch:
Limbaughium Lb
The heaviest known element. It possesses an ever-expanding mass. Very white.
Acidic. Emits heat but no light. Instantly polarizes all elements that come in
contact with it. Repels protons and electrons; attracts only morons.
With a slick appearance and slimy texture, this element undergoes a series of
interesting changes when in hot water.
Canadium Eh
Similar to Americium, but a little denser. Much more rigid. Often called
Boron.
Innofensium Pc
Precisely equal numbers of electrons, protons, neutrons, leptons, quarks.
Completely inert, utterly useless, but smells like a rose.
Newtium
Extreme irritant. Carries a strong negative charge. Does not possess magnetic
properties. Can be purchased cheaply.
Quaylium Vp
Einsteinium it ain’t.
Budweisium Ps
Has no taste or smell; is often indistinguishable from water.
Cabmium Cb
Found in abundance, except when needed. Exists in two states, in motion and at
rest. When in motion, it cannot be stopped, no matter what you do. Cabmium has a
charge associated with it. The charge is variable, and scientists have not
determined the formula for calculating it.
Politicium Po
Contains a great deal of gas. Similar to radon in that it can reach lethal
concentrations in the House.
Congress Cg
Atomic number 525. Can never be found in a solution.
Snot Sn
Bonds forever with corduroy.