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A Fish Story!
One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge, strange looking fish.A man was walking by and said, “WOW!! What a nice Gauddam Fish!”
The sister said, “Sir, you shouldn’t use God’s name in vain.” The man said, “But that’s the SPECIES of the fish — a Gauddam Fish.” The sister said, “Oh, ok.”
The Sister took the fish back home and said, “Mother Superior,
look at the Gauddam Fish I caught.”
Shocked, the Mother Superior said, “Sister, you know better than that.”
The nun said, “That’s the species of it — a Gauddam Fish.”
So the Mother Superior said, “Well, give me the Gauddam Fish and I’ll clean it.”
While she was cleaning the fish, Monsignor walked in and Mother
Superior said, “Monsignor, look at the Gauddam Fish that the sister
caught.”
Nearly fainting, Monsignor said, “Mother Superior, you shouldn”t talk like that!”
Mother Superior said, “But that’s the species of it — a Gauddam Fish.” Monsignor said, “Well give me the Gauddam Fish and I’ll cook it.”
That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table, and he
said, “Wow, what a nice fish.” In reply, the sister said, “Thank-you, I caught the Gauddam Fish.”
And Mother Superior said, “I cleaned the Gauddam Fish.”
And Monsignor said, “I cooked the Gauddam Fish.”
The priest looked around in disbelief, quite shocked, and said…
“I LIKE THIS FUCKING PLACE ALREADY!”
Morning trouble
Joe woke up one morning and looked for his wife, but his wife
wasn’t here. She had awakened and was preparing breakfast in the
kitchen. Joe was afraid he might spoil ‘the moment’ by getting
up, so he called his little boy and sent this note to his wife:
THE TENT POLE IS UP, THE CANVAS IS SPREAD,
THE HELL WITH BREAKFAST, COME BACK TO BED.
The wife answered the note and sent it back by the boy. It read:
TAKE THE TENT POLE DOWN. PUT THE CANVAS AWAY.
THE MONKEY HAD A HEMORRHAGE. NO CIRCUS TODAY.
So he sent another note down. It read:
THE TENT POLE’S STILL UP AND THE CANVAS STILL SPREAD
SO DROP WHAT YOU’RE DOING AND COME GIVE ME SOME HEAD.
To which she replied:
I’M SURE THAT YOUR POLE’S THE BEST IN THE LAND
BUT I’M BUSY RIGHT NOW SO DO IT BY HAND !
A Russian, Mexican, and Texan
A Russian, a Mexican, and Texan are out riding horses.
The Russian pulls out an expensive bottle of Vodka, takes a long
draught, then another and suddenly throws it into the air, pulls
out his gun and shoots the bottle in midair.
The Mexican looks at him and says, “What are you doing? That was
a perfectly good bottle of Vodka!”
The Russian says, “In Russia, there is plenty of Vodka and the
bottles are cheap.”
A while later, not wanting to be outdone, the Mexican pulls out
a bottle of Tequila, takes a few sips, throws the Tequila into
the air, pulls out his gun and shoots it in midair.
The Texan can’t believe his eyes, “What the hell did you do that
for? That was a perfectly good bottle of Tequila!”
The Mexican says, “In Mexico, we have plenty of Tequila and
bottles are cheap.”
So, awhile later, the Texan pulls out a bottle of Beer. He opens
it, takes a sip, and then chugs the whole bottle. He then puts
the bottle in his saddlebag, pulls out his gun, and shoots the
Mexican.
The Russian, shocked, says, “Why the hell did you do that?!”
The Texan replies, “In Texas, we have plenty of Mexicans and the
bottles are worth a nickel.”
What is this?
When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed. “Good heavens,” he said, “what is this?””Why, it’s bean soup,” she replied.”I don’t care what it has been,” he sputtered. “What is it now?”
Fun With Fast Food!
These are best to be used at Burger King or McDonald’s. (all of
these have been done before. their so funny when you do them)
1. when making your order inside or out start your order then
say waite a minutes and then change it again keep doing this
repeatedly (example:”yes id like a burger and fries no wait id
like chicken sandwitch no wait…keep going)
2. go through the drive through walking
3. ask for only one question package then go back every other
minute asking for only one more
4. right before you leave when theres a lot of customers start
screaming there’s a hair on my burger!
5. on the self refill things fill your cup up with one kind of
pop then dump it out and fill it up with another keep going
until someone says something to you.
6. order in a different language
7. pour out all the salt on the table and yell “its snowing its
snowing”
8. ask the the people working if they could put more hamburger
on this ketchup.
9. when ordering burp or fart at least ten times then look at
the people you dont know next to you and say this isnt the time
or place for releaving your gas the bathroom is right over there
10. sit down by yourself and just laugh histarically
Nut house
A group of psychiatrists go to tour an insane asylum that is renowned for their progressive rehabilitation methods. They begin by visiting some of the patients.
The first patient they visit is a young woman. She is practicing ballet. One of the psychiatrist asks, “What are you doing?” She replies, “I’m studying ballet so when I get out of here I can possibly join a troupe and be a productive member of society.” “Wow, that’s wonderful.”
The next person was a man reading a book with a pile of books next to him. The same question asked to him, “What are you doing?” “I’m studying biology, chemistry, etc. So I can enter medical school when I get out”
Room after room, they witnessed the incredible success and attitudes of the patients. Until they finally reached a room the asylums director was reluctant to open. Finally, he was persuaded to open it. Inside was a man balancing a peanut on his penis. The reaction of the psychiatrist, “My God what are you doing?” The man replied: “I’m fucking nuts and I’m never getting out of here”