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Perfect Christmas Tree
In search of a perfect Christmas tree, two blondes ventured with axes deep into the forest.
After hours of braving sub-zero temperatures and biting wind, one blonde turned to the other and wearily said:
“I’m chopping down the next tree I see, I don’t care if it’s decorated or not.”
The last airline…
The last airline I flew charged for everything. Except for the bad service. That was free.
Marriage Lessons
During the 50th wedding anniversary celebration, the husband was asked to give a brief account of the benefits achieved from being married for so long.
He stood up, thought for a long moment, then said, “Well, I’ve learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness, and….” he paused.
“And?” someone cried out from the back of the room.
“… and a great many other qualities you wouldn’t have needed if you’d stayed single.”
Code Word to Heaven
After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her.
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, “This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?”
“You have to spell a word,” Saint Peter told her.
“Which word?” the woman asked.
“Love.” The woman correctly spelled love, and Saint Peter welcomed her into heaven.
About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
“I’m surprised to see you,” the woman said. “How have you been?”
“Oh, I’ve been doing pretty well since you died,” her husband told her. “I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?”
“You have to spell a word,” the woman told him.
“Which word?” her husband asked.
“Czechoslovakia.”
Mom’s Lead Foot
My mom has a lead foot, so I was not surprised when a state trooper pulled us over as we were driving through Georgia. Hoping to get off with a warning, mom tried to appear shocked when he walked up to the car.
“I have never been stopped like this before,” she said to the officer.
“What do they usually do, ma’am,” he asked, “shoot the tires out?”