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Sarcasm is the secret….
“Sarcasm is the secret language that everyone uses when they want to say something mean to your face.”
Good News and Bad News
A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client and said to him, “Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news.”
The art collector replied, “I’ve had an awful day; let’s hear the good news first.”
The attorney said, “Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right.”
Saul replied enthusiastically, “Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You’ve just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?”
The attorney replied, “The pictures are of you with your secretary.”
Like good wine…..
“Like good wine, marriage gets better with age – once you learn to keep a cork in it.”
Four men are in the Hospital
Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You’re the father of twins.”
“That’s odd,” answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!”
A nurse says to the second guy, “Congratulations! You’re the father of triplets!”
“That’s weird,” answers the second man. “I work for the 3M company!”
A nurse tells the third man, “Congratulations! You’re the father of quadruplets!”
“That’s strange,” he answers. “I work for the Four Seasons hotel!”
The last man is groaning and banging his head against the wall. “What’s wrong?” the others ask.
“I work for 7 Up!”
”Instead of ‘have a nice day,…….
“Instead of ‘have a nice day,’ I think I’ll start saying, ‘have the day you deserve.’ You know, let karma sort things out.”
Cold Water
John visited his 90-year-old grandpa who lived way out in the country. On the first morning of the visit, John’s grandpa prepared a breakfast of bacon and eggs. John noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and asked, “Are these plates clean?”
His grandpa replied, “They’re as clean as cold water can get them. Just go ahead and finish your meal.”
For lunch, Grandpa made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have specks of dried egg on it. “Are you sure these plates are clean?” he asked.
Without looking up, Grandpa said, “I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them!”
Later, as John was leaving, his grandpa’s dog started to growl and wouldn’t let him pass.
John said, “Grandpa, your dog won’t let me get by!”
Grandpa yelled to the dog, “Cold Water, go lie down!”