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You’re slower…
You’re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
Smart Pills
One day a boy and his father were walking through the woods when the son spotted some rabbit droppings.
The boy asked his Dad, “What are these Pop?”
Wanting to tease his son, the father replied, “They’re smart pills, son. Eat them and they’ll make you smarter.”
So the boy ate them and said, “Yuck, they taste just like poop!”
“See,” said his father giggling, “you’re already getting smarter!”
Late for Church
One Sunday morning a little girl in her Sunday dress was running so she wouldn’t be late for church.
As she ran she kept praying, “Dear God, please don’t let me be late to church. Please don’t let me be late to church.”
Suddenly, she tripped and fell, scraping her knee. When she got back up she began praying again.
“Please, God don’t let me be late to church — but don’t shove me either!”
I applied for…
I applied for a job today and they ask for three references. I wrote, “a dictionary, a Thesaurus, and a map.”
Wedding Night
An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man who he has never been with a woman before.
After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian outback.They end up getting married.
On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.
“What happened?” she asks.
“Well, I’ve never been with a woman,” he says, “but if it’s anything like a kangaroo, I’m gonna need all the room I can get.”