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One day you…
One day you will meet someone so amazing in every way who will want absolutely nothing to do with you.
Pastor’s Children
A pastor’s wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.
After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher’s family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher’s expanding salary.
A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman’s additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, ‘Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us.
Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, ‘Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubber shoes.’
The entire congregation said, ‘Amen.’
Sure, I may…
Sure, I may not be in a relationship, but I am three people’s plan B and someone’s maybe if we’re ever the last two people on Earth.
Helping the Doctor
An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so really far out and there was no electricity.
When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby.
The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.
“Hit him again Doc, Hit him again!” the 5 yr. old said. “He shouldn’t have crawled up there in the first place!!”
I’ve never…
I’ve never played the bagpipes but I have carried a screaming three-year-old toddler over my shoulder.
A Classy Bar
A man walks into a bar and the bartender says, “I’m sorry, I can’t serve you here unless you are wearing a tie.”
The man says, “Okay, I’ll be right back,” and goes to his car to find anything he can use for a tie.
All he finds is a set of jumper cables, so he ties them around his neck, goes back in and asks, “How’s this?”
The bartender replies, “Well, okay, but don’t start anything.”