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A priest…
A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, “Is this some kind of joke?”
Two sons
Two men sank into adjacent train seats after a long day in the city. One asked the other, “Your son go back to college yet?”
“Two days ago.”
“Hmm. Mine’s a senior this year, so it’s almost over. In May, he’ll be an engineer. What’s your boy going to be when he gets out of college?”
“At the rate he’s going, I’d say he’ll be about thirty.”
“No, I mean what’s he taking in college?”
“He’s taking every penny I make.”
“Doesn’t he burn the midnight oil enough?”
“He doesn’t get in early enough to burn the midnight oil.”
“Well, has sending him to college done anything at all?”
“Sure has! It’s totally cured his mother of bragging about him!”
Church Offering
A pastor explained to his congregation that the church was in need of some extra money, so he asked them to consider being more than generous. He offered that whoever gave the most would be able to pick three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed about the church, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had graciously offered a roll of $100 bills. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he’d like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady in the back of the church shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front, so she slowly she made her way towards him.
The pastor told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much, and in thanks he asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation. She pointed to the three most handsome men in the church and said, “I’ll take him and him and him.”
I like when…
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
A Woman’s Purse
My husband was trying to embarrass me at a party by carrying on about all the stuff women carry in their purses.
Instead of getting angry or blushing I said, “You’re right. There IS too much stuff in my purse.” So, I removed his wallet, cigarettes, lighter, and car keys and handed them to him.
When he asked what he was supposed to do with them, I smile and said, “Get your own purse!”