If You're A Democrat You Believe:

1. You have to believe the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of
funding.

2. You have to be against capital punishment but for abortion on
demand – in short, you support protecting the guilty and killing
the innocent.

3. You have to believe that the same overpaid public school
idiot who can’t teach 4th graders how to read is qualified to
teach those same kids about sex.

4. You have to believe that trial lawyers are selfless heroes
and doctors are overpaid.

5. You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding
Americans are more of a threat than nuclear weapons in the hands
of the Red Chinese.

6. You have to believe that global temperatures are less
affected by cyclical, documented changes in the brilliance of
the Sun, and more affected by yuppies driving SUVs.

7. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but
being gay is natural.

8. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and
governments create prosperity.

9. You have to believe that hunters don’t care about nature but
pasty-faced, fey activists who’ve never been outside Seattle do.

10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than
actually doing something to earn it.

11. You have to believe there was no art before federal funding.

12. You have to believe the military, not corrupt politicians,
start wars.

13. You have to believe the free market that gives us 500+
channels can’t deliver the programming quality PBS does.

14. You have to believe the NRA is bad, because it stands up for
certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good,
because they stand up for certain parts of the Constitution.

15. You have to believe that taxes are too low but ATM fees are
too high.

16. You have to believe that Harriet Tubman, Cesar Chavez and
Gloria Steinman are more important to American history than
Thomas Jefferson, General Robert E. Lee or Thomas Alva Edison.

17. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but
racial quotas and set-asides aren’t.

18. You have to believe that second-hand smoke is more dangerous
than HIV.

19. You have to believe that conservatives are racists but black
people couldn’t make it without your help.

20. You have to believe that the only reason democratic
socialism hasn’t worked anywhere it’s been tried is because the
right people haven’t been in charge.