Funny Sports Quotes
By 1992 Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team’s 7-27 record:
“We can’t win at home. We can’t win on the road. As general manager, I just
can’t figure out where else to play.”
1987 Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a
player who received four F’s and one D: “Son, looks to me like you’re spending
too much time on one subject.”
1996 Lou Duva, Veteran boxing trainer, on the spartan training regimen of
heavyweight Andrew Golota: “He’s a guy who gets up at six o’clock in the morning
regardless of what time it is.”
1981 Tommy Lasorda , Dodger manager, asked what terms Mexican-born pitching
sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract
negotiations: “He wants Texas back.”
1966 Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of
Longhorn injuries this season resulted from poor physical conditioning: “One
player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in
condition for football?”
1981 Mike McCormack , coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the team’s
co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto the
field for the coin toss against St. Louis: “I’m going to send the injured
reserve players out for the toss next time.”
1991 Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at
Auburn’s football dorm had destroyed 20 books: “But the real tragedy was that 15
hadn’t been colored yet.”
1986 Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he
thought of the refs: “I’m not allowed to comment on lousy officiating.”
1976 Greg Buttle, New York Jet linebacker, explaining his contractual
obligations: “They pay me to practice. Sundays I play for free.”
1996 Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: “I
was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I’d get shot.”
1981 Dorothy Shula , on the career dedication of her husband, the Miami
Dolphins’ coach: “I’m fairly confident that if I died tomorrow, Don would find a
way to preserve me until the season was over and he had time for a nice
funeral.”
1976 Mike Newlin, Houston Rocket guard, after a game his team lost to the New
York Nets: “We were the quintessence of athletic atrocity.”
1966 Jim Camp, George Washington football coach, on why he doesn’t use a
lonely end: “We train by a parkway, which runs beside a river. If we had a
lonely end, he either would be hit by a car or drown.”
1976 Hugh Campbell, football coach at Whitworth College in Spokane, Wash.,
after his team had defeated Whitman 70-30: “It wasn’t as easy as you think. It’s
hard to stay awake that long.”
1986 Jeff Kemp, 49ers quarterback, when asked about his rapport with wide
receiver Jerry Rice: “Rapport? You mean like, ‘You run as fast as you can, and
I’ll throw it as far as I can’?”
1966 Tom Nissalke, New coach of the NBA’s Houston Rockets, when asked, during
a question-and-answer session with a group of fans, how he pronounced his name:
“Tom.”
1991 Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:
“He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings.”
1976 Abe Lemons, University of Texas basketball coach, when asked if he felt
his team should be ranked in the Top Twenty this season: “You mean in the
state?”