COBOL Programmer and the Year 2000

There was once a COBOL programmer in the mid to late 1990s. For the sake
of this story, we’ll call him Jack. After years of being taken for granted
and treated as a technological dinosaur by all the UNIX programmers and
Client/Server programmers and Web site developers, Jack was finally
getting some respect. He’d become a private consultant specializing in
Year 2000 conversions. He was working short-term assignments for prestige
companies, traveling all over the world on different assignments. He was
working 70 and 80 and even 90 hour weeks, but it was worth it.

Several years of this relentless, mind-numbing work had taken its toll on
Jack. He had problems sleeping and began having anxiety dreams about the
Year 2000. It had reached a point where even the thought of the year 2000
made him nearly violent. He must have suffered some sort of breakdown,
because all he could think about was how he could avoid the year 2000 and
all that came with it.

Jack decided to contact a company that specialized in cryogenics. He made
a deal to have himself frozen until March 15th, 2000. This was very
expensive process and totally automated. He was thrilled. The next thing
he would know is he’d wake up in the year 2000; after the New Year
celebrations and computer debacles; after the leap day. Nothing else to
worry about except getting on with his life.

He was put into his cryogenic receptacle, the technicians set the revive
date, he was given injections to slow his heartbeat to a bare minimum, and
that was that.

The next thing that Jack saw was an enormous and very modern room filled
with excited people. They were all shouting “I can’t believe it!” and
“It’s a miracle” and “He’s alive!”. There were cameras (unlike any he’d
ever seen) and equipment that looked like it came out of a science fiction
movie.

Someone who was obviously a spokesperson for the group stepped forward.
Jack couldn’t contain his enthusiasm. “It is over?” he asked. “Is 2000
already here? Are all the millennial parties and promotions and crises all
over and done with?”

The spokesman explained that there had been a problem with the programming
of the timer on Jack’s cryogenic receptacle, it hadn’t been year 2000
compliant. It was actually eight thousand years later, not the year 2000.
But the spokesman told Jack that he shouldn’t get excited; someone
important wanted to speak to him.

Suddenly a wall-sized projection screen displayed the image of a man that
looked very much like Bill Gates. This man was Prime Minister of Earth. He
told Jack not to be upset. That this was a wonderful time to be alive.
That there was world peace and no more starvation. That the space program
had been reinstated and there were colonies on the moon and on Mars. That
technology had advanced to such a degree that everyone had virtual reality
interfaces which allowed them to contact anyone else on the planet, or to
watch any entertainment, or to hear any music recorded anywhere.

“That sounds terrific,” said Jack. “But I’m curious. Why is everybody so
interested in me?”

“Well,” said the Prime Minister. “The year 10000 is just around the
corner, and it says in your files that you know COBOL.”