I can totally keep secrets. It’s the people I tell them to that can’t.
Sarcastic One-Liners
'Gods are fragile things, they may be killed by a whiff of science or a dose of common sense.’
My internet is so slow, it’s just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them shit in person.
Did you hear about the shepherd who drove his sheep through town? He was given a ticket for making a ewe turn.
"What doesn't kill you gives you a set of unhealthy coping mechanisms and a dark sense of humor."
THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
''Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.”
Their first daughter was born with a silver spoon in her mouth. Now they’re hoping for triplets so they can have a whole set.
I’m not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I’m going to Hell?
Shut up, will you?” “Oh, I’m sorry, Your Highness, should I go get you your coffee and tea now?