"Sometimes the amount of self-control it takes to not say what's on my mind is so immense, I need a nap afterward."
Sarcastic One-Liners
“Don’t worry about what people think. They don’t do it very often.”
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
“I love sarcasm. It’s like punching people in the face but with words.”
"Friendships must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness, and shenanigans."
"I would like to apologize to anyone I have not offended yet. Please be patient. I will get to you shortly."
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.”
“People say that laughter is the best medicine… your face must be curing the world.”
I didn't realize how bad of a driver I was until my navigation said, "In 400 feet, pull over and let me out."
I always put in a full eight hours at work. Spread out over the course of the week.