Behind every angry woman is a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.
Sarcastic One-Liners
I like older women because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Strong people don't put others down. They lift them up and slam them on the ground for maximum damage.
I'm not saying your perfume is too strong. I'm just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
I have as much authority as the Pope, i just don't have as many people who believe it.
People used to laugh at me when I would say "I want to be a comedian", well nobody's laughing now.
A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.
My girlfriend is always stealing my t-shirts and sweaters, but if I take one of her dresses, suddenly "we need to talk."
To the mathematicians who thought of the idea of zero, thanks for nothing!