My son asked me what it's like to be married so I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
Sarcastic One-Liners
If you see me smiling it's because I'm thinking of doing something evil or naughty. If you see me laughing it's because I've already done it.
Whatever you do always give 100 %. Unless you are donating blood.
"No, thanks. I'm a vegetarian." is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.
I'm really good at stuff until people watch me do that stuff.
The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don't have to mow it.
Last night in my dream I was peeing in bed. In the morning, I realized dreams do come true.
My job is secure. No one else wants it.
My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that...
A conclusion is the part where you got tired of thinking.