My doctor advised me to kill people. Not in such words of course, he just said that I must diminish the amount of stress in my life.
Sarcastic One-Liners
Having nutrition information on a bag of Cheetos is like having dating tips on a box of Crocs.
How to lose an argument with a woman: 1) Argue.
Why call someone when you can just decide where you and your friend want to meet by exchanging 76 text messages?
No one has ever complained of a parachute not opening. Think about it.
70% of our planet is covered in water, the other 30% is covered in idiots.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discovered fire.
"Instead of 'have a nice day,' I think I'll start saying, 'have the day you deserve.' You know, let karma sort things out."
“Sarcasm helps me overcome the harshness of the reality we live, eases the pain of scars and makes people smile.”
Some people dress to impress, some people undress to impress.