Being a hypochondriac is going to save my life one of these days
Sarcastic One-Liners
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic
The last airline I flew charged for everything. Except for the bad service. That was free.
My teenage angst has lasted 30 years.
Never break someone's heart because they have only one inside...break their bones because they have 206 of them.
"I ran a half marathon" sounds so much better than "I quit halfway through a marathon".
My internet is so slow, it's faster to just drive to the Google headquarters and ask them things in person.
The best things in life are free *plus shipping and handling*
Why is everything I love either unhealthy, addicting or has multiple restraining orders against me?
Retirement is wonderful. It's doing nothing without worrying about getting caught at it.