When I found out that my toaster wasn't waterproof, I was shocked.
Sarcastic One-Liners
I am writing a horror screenplay. It starts off with a ringing phone. The person answers, and it's their mum saying "I have a computer question."
When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.
Take my advice — I'm not using it.
“Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver.”
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we're married and live together so I'd have to see them every day.
Pavlov walks into a bar. The phone rings, and he says, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog."
When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don't dress nice for him anymore.
My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. He was right—I just ran and I feel ten years older already.