Retirement is wonderful. It's doing nothing without worrying about getting caught at it.
Sarcastic One-Liners
I always tell new hires, don't think of me as your boss, think of me as your friend who can fire you.
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
"I’ll try being nicer, if you try being smarter.”
How come "you're a peach" is a complement but "you're bananas" is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?
I don't understand why people get attacked by sharks. Can they not hear the music?
I had my credit card stolen the other day but I didn't bother to report it because the thief spends less than my wife.
My superpower is making people laugh. Which would be great if I was trying to be funny.
If I ever need a heart transplant, I'd want my ex's. It's never been used.
Refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training, right?