I can totally keep secrets. It’s the people I tell them to that can’t.
Sarcastic One-Liners
I think they picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I’m around!
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.”
Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane.”
A woman is like a tea bag: You can't tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”
“Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.”
In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him. “
If you’ve never met the devil in the road of life, it’s because you’re both heading in the same direction.
Sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I’m tired of making other people feel good about themselves!
"Sometimes I wish I were a nicer person, but then I laugh and continue my day."