“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Sarcastic One-Liners
It’s kind of hilarious watching you try to fit your entire vocabulary into one sentence.
There’s a lot to be said in his favor, but it’s not nearly as interesting
When he talks, it isn’t a conversation. It’s a filibuster
Advice to husbands: Try praising your wife now and then, even if it does startle her at first.
Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with a slow Internet connection to see who they really are.
"Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing ANYTHING away EVER. I snuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican druglord."
“If you wrote down every single thought you ever had you would get an award for the shortest story ever.”
“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
"They say good things take time... That’s why I’m always late.”