Facebook is telling me to ’reconnect’ with my brother...hmmm, I see him everyday
Sarcastic One-Liners
I think they picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I’m around!
“A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.”
Sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I’m tired of making other people feel good about themselves!
Why play so hard to get when you are already so hard to want?
Among the things that are so simple even a child can operate them are parents.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
I can totally keep secrets. It’s the people I tell them to that can’t.
'Gods are fragile things, they may be killed by a whiff of science or a dose of common sense.’
My internet is so slow, it’s just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them shit in person.