I always put in a full eight hours at work. Spread out over the course of the week.
Sarcastic One-Liners
Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.
I work in a library. Literally, all we do is judge books by their covers.
There's never enough time to do it right, but there's always enough time to do it over.
Spider-man has been unmasked in all his last 4 films. If I was him, I wouldn't even bother dressing up.
"Sometimes the amount of self-control it takes to not say what's on my mind is so immense, I need a nap afterward."
A parent's job is basically a daily struggle to help a crazy person stay alive.
Behind every successful man, you'll find a woman who has nothing to wear.
The best part about working in an office is that if you ever forget that you got a haircut, someone will definitely point it out to you.
My wife sent her photograph to the Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back saying they weren't that lonely.