"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And by then it was too late."
Sarcastic One-Liners
"Instead of 'have a nice day,' I think I'll start saying, 'have the day you deserve.' You know, let karma sort things out."
“Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.”
"Sometimes the amount of self-control it takes to not say what's on my mind is so immense, I need a nap afterward."
“Don’t worry about what people think. They don’t do it very often.”
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
“I love sarcasm. It’s like punching people in the face but with words.”
"Friendships must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness, and shenanigans."
"I would like to apologize to anyone I have not offended yet. Please be patient. I will get to you shortly."
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.”