When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive... It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.
Sarcastic One-Liners
I’m not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I’m going to Hell?
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
I can totally keep secrets. It’s the people I tell them to that can’t.
I think they picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I’m around!
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.”
Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane.”
A woman is like a tea bag: You can't tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”
“Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.”
In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him. “