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”Oh, you hate….
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.”
Need Money
A kid called up his mom from his college and asked her for some money, because he ran out of it.
Mom said, ‘Sure, sweetie. I’ll send you some money. You also left your calculus book here when you visited 2 weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?’
‘Uh, oh yeah, OK,’ responded the kid.
So Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book.
When she gets back, Dad asked, ‘Well how much did you give the boy this time?
Mom said, ‘Oh, I wrote 2 checks, one for $20, and the other for $1000′
‘That’s $1020!!!’ yelled Dad, ‘Are you crazy???’
‘Don’t worry hon,’ Mom said, as she kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, ‘I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1000 one somewhere between the pages in Chapter 19!’
”Sometimes the first….
“Sometimes the first step toward forgiveness is realizing the other person was born an idiot.”
Living to a 100
Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.
“Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret to my success,” he cackled. “I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now.”
The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.
He replied, “Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk.”
”I can’t believe…
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
Idiot in Canada
An idiot heard that a fortune could be made by working as a lumberjack in Canada. So, off he goes. After some weeks, he arrives at a lumberjack-camp and asks the foreman for a job.
The foreman says, “Okay sonny, but you’ll have to do a test first. If you can chop down 100 trees tomorrow you’re hired.”
So, next day, the idiot gets his chainsaw and happily saws away all day. However, when trees are counted the idiot only has 98.
“Oh well,” says the foreman, “You’ll get another chance tomorrow.”
So, next day, same story, 99 trees.
“I don’t believe this,” says the foreman, “A big strong fella like yourself should be able to cut down 200 trees in a day. You know what? You get one more chance, and I’ll join you to show you the trick of it”.
So, next day, the idiot and the foreman go into the forest. Upon arrival at a nice open spot the foreman takes out the chainsaw and starts the engine to which the idiot says, “What the…? Where’s the noise coming from?”