Home
The End is Near
Every time a little boy went to a playmate’s house, he found the friend’s grandmother deeply engrossed in her Bible. Finally his curiosity got the better of him.
“Why do you suppose your grandmother reads the Bible so much?” he asked.
“I’m not sure,” said his friend, “but I think she’s cramming for her finals.”
Before you marry a…..
Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with a slow Internet connection to see who they really are.
First Class
At Heathrow Airport in England, a 300-foot red carpet was stretched out to Air Force One and President Bush strode to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II.
They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses.
As they rode toward Buckingham Palace, each looking to their side and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all was going well. This was indeed a glorious display of pageantry and dignity.
Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip the most horrendous, earth-shattering, eye-smarting blast of flatulence, and the coach immediately filled with noxious fumes.
Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decided that was a ridiculous manner with which to handle a most embarrassing situation.
She turned to Mr. Bush and explained, “Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I’m sure you understand that there are some things even a Queen cannot control.”
George W., ever the Texas gentleman, replied, “Your Majesty, please don’t give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn’t said something I would have assumed it was one of the horses.”
”Hell hath no fury….
“Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing ANYTHING away EVER. I snuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican druglord.”
Army Veteran
An 83 year old Army Veteran arrived in Paris by plane. As he was fumbling in his bag for his passport, a stern French customs agent asked if he had been to France before. He admitted that he had indeed been here previously. The lady sarcastically said, “Then you should know to have your passport out and ready, Sir.”
The gentleman said “I didn’t have to show it last time.”
“Impossible!” the customs agent exclaimed. “All foreigners have always had to show a passport to enter the country.”
The man responded in a low tone, “Well, when I came ashore on the beach on D-Day in 1944, I couldn’t find any damn Frenchmen to show it to!”
”If you wrote down……
“If you wrote down every single thought you ever had you would get an award for the shortest story ever.”