Voodoo D

There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long
business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he
thought he’d try to get her something to keep her occupied while
he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her
screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys
and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex
doll, but that was too close to another man for him.

He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something
special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man
behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man
said, “Well, I don’t really know of anything that will do the
trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on,
but I don’t know of anything that will keep her occupied for
weeks, except — ” and he stopped.

“Except what?” the man asked.

“Nothing, nothing.”

“C’mon, tell me! I need something!”

“Well, sir, I don’t usually mention this, but there is the
‘voodoo dick.'”

“So what’s up with this voodoo dick?” he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old
wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there
lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and
said “Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this
shop!”

The old man replied, “But you haven’t seen what it’ll do yet.”
He pointed to a door and said “Voodoo dick, the door.” The
voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and
started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the
vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the
door could split, the old man said “Voodoo dick, get back in
your box!” The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and
lay there, quiescent once more.

“I’ll take it!” said the businessman.

The old man resisted, saying it wasn’t for sale, but he finally
surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife,
told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had
to do was say “Voodoo dick, my pussy.” He left for his trip
satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.

After he’d been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny.
She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her,
but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and
said “Voodoo dick, my pussy!” The voodoo dick shot to her crotch
and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she’d ever
experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she’d had
enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still
thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing
worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off.
So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.
She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to
the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the
way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she
was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and
then asked how much she’d had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn’t been
drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and
wouldn’t stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second,
and then said “Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!”