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Disorderly Conduct
Three men appear in court, on charges of drunk and disorderly conduct in a public park. The judge asks the first defendant, “What were you doing?”
“Oh, just throwing peanuts in the pond.”
The judge asks the second gentleman, “And what were you doing?”
“I was throwing peanuts in the pond, too.”
“Sounds harmless,” says the judge. He turns to the third person, “And you, were you throwing peanuts in the pond as well?”
“No, sir. I AM Peanuts!”
The worst…
The worst part about working for the department of unemployment is when you get fired you still have to show up the next day.
Ice Fishing
After church, little Johnny and his brother go ice fishing.
Little Johnny starts drilling on the ice when a voice from above says, “Young man, there’s no fish down there. Go home.”
Little Johnny asks his brother, “Who is that?”
His brother replies, “I don’t know.”
So little Johnny starts to drill again and the voice says again, “For the second time, there’s no fish down there. Go home.”
Little Johnny asks his brother, “Could that be God?”
His brother replies again, “I don’t know.”
Little Johnny starts drilling again and the voice says once more, “Young man, for the last time, I’m telling you there’s no fish down there. Go home.”
Johnny looks up and asks, “Is that you, God?”
The voice says, “No, I’m the manager and the skating rink’s closed.”
My son asked…
My son asked me what it’s like to be married so I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
Pranking Ex-Wife
A guy calls up his ex-wife and, disguising his voice, asks to speak to himself.
“Sorry, he doesn’t live here anymore, we’re divorced!” comes the response.
Next day, the guy does the same thing with the same results.
He does this everyday for a week, and finally his ex-wife realizes who it is that keeps calling.
“Look, Bozo! We’re divorced! Finito! End of story! When are you going to get that through your fat head?” yells bac the angered ex-wife.
“Oh, I know! I just can’t hear it enough!” says the guy before hanging up.
If you see…
If you see me smiling it’s because I’m thinking of doing something evil or naughty. If you see me laughing it’s because I’ve already done it.