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Biting your fingernails!
Little Jimmy bit his fingernails all the time. His parents tried everything to
get him to stop, but to no avail. Finally, his mother, exasperated, decided to
tell him a little white lie to get him to stop.
“Jimmy,” she said, “You’d better stop biting your fingernails. If you don’t,
then those fingernails will pile up inside your stomach and soon your stomach
will be huge and full of fingernails.” Jimmy, worried about the idea of
fingernails in his stomach, agreed to stop.
The next day, Jimmy and his mom were shopping in a supermarket. They went to
check out, and a pregnant woman was waiting in line in front of them. Jimmy
beamed at the pregnant woman and said, “I know what YOU’VE been doing….”
Candybar & Lifespan
Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy
bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across
from him said, “Son, you know eating all that candy isn’t good
for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you
fat!”
Little Johnny replied. “My grandfather lived to be 107 years
old.” The man asked, “Well sonny, did your grandfather eat 6
candy bars at a time?”
Little Johnny answered, “No, he minded his own fucking business!”
Annals of Television: Two men
Annals of Television: Two men whose fishing boat sank near Hawaii on Dec.
9 were rescued from a raft this week. “However,” Premiere Morning Sickness
reports, “after hearing that Tom Arnold would be starring in another
sitcom, Richard Enslow and David Summers quickly paddled back out to sea.”
Alcoholic Side-Effec
The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:
- WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
- WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an a-hole.
- WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
- WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
- WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
- WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
- WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can’t remember).
- WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
- WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.
- WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
- WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
- WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuem, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear”.
- WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
Stonger than it Should Be
A lady goes to the doctor and complains her husband is losing interest in sex. He gives her a pill but warns her that it’s still experimental. He tells her to slip it in his mashed potatoes at dinner. At dinner that night, she does just that.About a week later she’s back at the doctor and tells him, “The pill worked great! I put it in his mashed potatoes like you said. It wasn’t five minutes later that he jumped up, pushed all the food and dishes to the floor, grabbed me, ripped off all my clothes and ravaged me right there on the table.”The doctor says, “Oh dear — I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages.”The lady replied, “Nah, that’s okay. We’re not welcome back at Denny’s anyway.”
Oh My God!!
There is this man who is an Atheist. He is walking through a forest admiring it’s beauty. He notices the trees, flowers, and everything surrounding him. All of the sudden, a huge bear jumps out from behind one of the bushes. He begins to chase the man and gains ground quickly on him. He captures the man and pins him to the ground.
He is about to swipe his big paw on the man to kill him when the man screams out, “Oh my God!!!!!”
Time freezes and God appears out of nowhere.
He tells the man, “All your life, you have never believed in me and now at this time of need you call upon me.”
The man replies, “I will never become a Christian, but if you could do one thing for me, change the bear into a Christian.”
God, being the nice man he is, agrees and disappears again. The bear begins to slow his paw down and the man is relieved while at the same time the bear begins, “Dear Lord. Please bless this food I am about to receive….”