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The Divorce
A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, “Honey, I know we’ve been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce.”
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.
She then says, “I don’t want you to try to talk me out of it, because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and he’s a better lover than you.”
Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels.
She says, “I want the house.” Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.
She says, “I want the kids too.” The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he’s up to 80 mph.
She says, “I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too.” The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, “Is there anything you want?”
The husband says, “No, I’ve got everything I need right here.”
She asks, “What’s that?”
The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph…”I’ve got the airbag!”
Police Roundup
Suddenly the girl’s grandma came by and saw her. ”Why are you standing in line, dear?” she asked. Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, the girl told her that the policemen were passing out free oranges. ”Why, that is awfully nice of them! I think I’ll get some for myself,” said the grandma.
A policeman went down the line, asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he exclaimed, ”Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?”
Grandma replied, ”Oh, it’s easy, dear. I just take out my dentures and suck them dry!”
”Unless your name….
“Unless your name is Google stop acting like you know everything.”
”I never knew….
“I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And by then it was too late.”
Wife’s Cat
A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat. One day, he decided to get rid of him by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he arrived home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat again!
He kept taking the cat further and further, and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: “Jen, is the cat there?”
“Yes”, the wife answers, “why do you ask?”
Frustrated, the man answers, “Put him on the phone, I’m lost and need directions!”
Judi’s New Ride
Judi had her eye on Jaguar XK140 convertible she spotted at a local dealership. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in love with its gorgeous red paint work. After she got her bonus check at work, she decided to finally get it and few hours later she was tearing down the leafy country road enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong?
At that thought there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the hood and concluded after a few minutes that she didn’t have any clue what was wrong. Luckily she had her cell phone with her and made a call to the AAA. After a short wait, she saw a AAA car pull up behind her.
“That’s a lovely car,” said the mechanic. “What seems to be the matter?
Judi replied, “Well, it just broke down I’m afraid.”
“Let me have look.” He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again.
“Thank goodness,” she said. “What was the matter?”
“Simple really, just crap in the carburetor,” he replied.
Looking shocked she asked, “Oh. How many times a week do I have to do that?”