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A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, “I guess when I die you’ll come and dance on my grave.”The cadet replied, “Not me, Sarge. I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I’d never stand in another line.”
Tom’s wife wasn’t very attractive, but he was no oil-painting, either. After the ceremony, Tom asked the vicar how much the cost was.”Just give me what you think it is worth to have this lady for your wife,” replied the Reverend.Tom looked at his wife, and handed the vicar a $50 noteThe vicar looked at Tom’s wife and gave him $42 change.
A black preacher and a white preacher went on a hillside to find out if God
was black or white. The white preacher askes, “God, are you black or white”? God
responds, “I Am that I Am”. The white preacher says “He’s white”. The black
preacher says, “Why do you say that”?! The white preacher says, “If He were
black, He would have said, ‘I Is that I Is'”.
You might be a redneck if…
You’ve ever hitchhiked naked,
You’re turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer.
You use the O on a stop sign to sight your new rifle.
Your bumper sticker says, “My other car is a combine.”
The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
The highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth.
Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.
Taking a dip has nothing to do with water.
There are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog.
You take a fishing pole to Sea World.
The hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.
You’ve ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.
You’ve ever shot somebody over a mall parking space.
Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
You think mud rasslin’ should be an Olympic sport.
The receptionist checks the rat traps at your place of business.
You list your parole officer as a reference.
There are more fish on your wall than pictures.
Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.