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”When people ask ….
“When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic remark.”
Curing Fears
“Just put yourself in my hands for one year”, said the shrink.
“Come talk to Me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears.”
“How much do you charge?”
“Eighty dollars per visit”, replied the doctor.
“I’ll sleep on it,” I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. “Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having?”, he asked.
“Well, eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year, is $12,480. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money, that I went and bought me a new pickup truck.”
“Is that so?”, and, with a bit of an attitude, the doctor said, “and just how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain’t nobody under there now.”
”Sarcasm is the ….
“Sarcasm is the body’s natural defense against stupidity.”
The Divorce
A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, “Honey, I know we’ve been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce.”
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.
She then says, “I don’t want you to try to talk me out of it, because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and he’s a better lover than you.”
Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels.
She says, “I want the house.” Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.
She says, “I want the kids too.” The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he’s up to 80 mph.
She says, “I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too.” The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, “Is there anything you want?”
The husband says, “No, I’ve got everything I need right here.”
She asks, “What’s that?”
The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph…”I’ve got the airbag!”
Police Roundup
Suddenly the girl’s grandma came by and saw her. ”Why are you standing in line, dear?” she asked. Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, the girl told her that the policemen were passing out free oranges. ”Why, that is awfully nice of them! I think I’ll get some for myself,” said the grandma.
A policeman went down the line, asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he exclaimed, ”Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?”
Grandma replied, ”Oh, it’s easy, dear. I just take out my dentures and suck them dry!”
”Unless your name….
“Unless your name is Google stop acting like you know everything.”