How to be Annoying
By - Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you “like it that way”.
- Drum on every available surface.
- Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
- Staple papers in the middle of the page.
- Sew anti-theft detector strips into people’s backpacks.
- Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
- Specify that your drive-through order is “to go”.
- Set alarms for random times.
- Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.
- Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
- Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a “croaking” noise.
- Honk and wave to strangers.
- Tape pieces of “Sweating to the Oldies” over climactic parts of rental movies.
- Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register.
- Begin all your sentences with “ooh la la!”
- Rouse your roommates from slumber each morning with Lou Reed’s “Metal Machine Music”.
- Leave someone’s printer in compressed-italic-cyrillic-landscape mode.
- Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
- Pay for your dinner with pennies.
- Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
- Write “X – BURIED TREASURE” in random spots on all of someone’s roadmaps.
- Light road flares on a birthday cake.
- Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
- Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
- Demand that everyone address you as “Conquistador”.
- Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
- At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
- Wear a cape that says “Magnificent One”.
- Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
- Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
- Drive half a block.
- Name your dog “Dog”.
- Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
- Ask people what gender they are.
- Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern Drawl.
- Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a “real hoot”.
- Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don’t want to fall off “in case the big one comes.”
- Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
- While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
- Lie obviously about trivial things, such as the time of day.
- Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
- Change your name to Jane Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it’s a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A.
- Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
- Chew on pens that you’ve borrowed.
- Sing along at the opera.
- Mow your lawn with scissors.
- Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with prophecy”.
- Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as “sticky wicket isn’t cricket.”
- Stare at static on the tv and claim you can see a “magic picture”.
- Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
- Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
- Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you’ll be saying more any moment.
- Never make eye contact.
- Never break eye contact.
- Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
- Invite lots of people to other people’s parties.
1872100cookie-checkHow to be Annoying
