How to be Annoying

  • Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you “like it that way”.
  • Drum on every available surface.
  • Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
  • Staple papers in the middle of the page.
  • Sew anti-theft detector strips into people’s backpacks.
  • Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
  • Specify that your drive-through order is “to go”.
  • Set alarms for random times.
  • Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.
  • Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
  • Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a “croaking” noise.
  • Honk and wave to strangers.
  • Tape pieces of “Sweating to the Oldies” over climactic parts of rental movies.
  • Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register.
  • Begin all your sentences with “ooh la la!”
  • Rouse your roommates from slumber each morning with Lou Reed’s “Metal Machine Music”.
  • Leave someone’s printer in compressed-italic-cyrillic-landscape mode.
  • Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
  • Pay for your dinner with pennies.
  • Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
  • Write “X – BURIED TREASURE” in random spots on all of someone’s roadmaps.
  • Light road flares on a birthday cake.
  • Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
  • Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
  • Demand that everyone address you as “Conquistador”.
  • Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
  • At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
  • Wear a cape that says “Magnificent One”.
  • Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
  • Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
  • Drive half a block.
  • Name your dog “Dog”.
  • Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
  • Ask people what gender they are.
  • Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern Drawl.
  • Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a “real hoot”.
  • Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don’t want to fall off “in case the big one comes.”
  • Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
  • While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
  • Lie obviously about trivial things, such as the time of day.
  • Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
  • Change your name to Jane Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it’s a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A.
  • Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
  • Chew on pens that you’ve borrowed.
  • Sing along at the opera.
  • Mow your lawn with scissors.
  • Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with prophecy”.
  • Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as “sticky wicket isn’t cricket.”
  • Stare at static on the tv and claim you can see a “magic picture”.
  • Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
  • Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
  • Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you’ll be saying more any moment.
  • Never make eye contact.
  • Never break eye contact.
  • Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
  • Invite lots of people to other people’s parties.
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