The Top 13 Reasons You're Having Trouble Finding a Job

13> You list “smokin’ weed” as a hobby on the job application.

12> Instead of shaking hands, you ask them to “pull your finger.”

11> All your answers are whispered into your ear by your sock puppet, “Socky.”

10> You’re not willing to risk being downsized since you’re not so sure it really doesn’t refer to your penis.

9> In your zealousness to pad, you claim 10 years of Java and 15 years of HTML.

8> After your interview tantrums, so-called “Equal Opportunity Employers” don’t seem to be buying your “Tourette’s Syndrome” excuse.

7> “Slashed co-workers with a broken coffee mug” doesn’t look as impressive on your resume as you thought it would.

6> Even though Yanni sells all those records, there’s no job market for “masters of the pan flute.”

5> Small-minded employers find “alien abductions” unacceptable explanation for gaps in work history.

4> Too much time during your interview spent discussing your jihad, not enough on how you would perform as the new personnel counselor.

3> You show up at each interview wearing an aluminum foil suit “just in case of enemy attack.”

2> Apparently, the high-priced-gigolo-to-Daycare-worker transition is one of the tougher ones.

1> Still busy looking for the real killers.

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