There was a boy who worked in the produce section of a market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. But the man said that he did not need a whole head, only a half.
The boy explained that he would have to ask the manager. So he walked into the back room and said, “There is some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce.”
As he said it, he turned to find the man standing right behind him. Realizing he had been overheard, the boy quickly added, “and this gentleman wants to buy the other half.”
The manager okayed the request, and the man went on his way. Later, the manager said to the boy, “You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got out of it. You think on your feet, and we like that around here. Where are you from son?”
The boy replied, “Minnesota, sir”.
“Oh, really? Why did you leave Minnesota,” asked the manager.
The boy replied, “They’re all just hookers and hockey players up there.”
“My wife is from Minnesota!”
The boy replied, “Oh Really! What team did she play for?”
John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
“Louise,” he moaned, “tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?”
“Even worse,” she said, her voice oozing scorn. “You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face.”
“He’s a jerk,” John said. “Piss on him.”
“You did,” came the reply, “and he fired you.”
“Well, screw him!” said John.
“I did! You’re back at work on Monday.”
Jose and Carlos are panhandlers that panhandle in different areas of town.
Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects $2-3 every day.
Jose brings home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.
One day, Carlos asked Jose, “I work just as long and hard as you do, but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?”
“Look at your sign, what does it say?” replies Jose.
Carlos’ sign reads, “I have no work, a wife and six kids to support.”
Jose says, “no wonder you only get $2-3.”
Carlos says, “So what does your sign say then?”
Jose shows Carlos his sign – it reads: “I only need another $10 to move back to Mexico”
A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.
The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks “What do two plus two equal?”
The mathematician replies “Four.”
The interviewer asks “Four, exactly?”
The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says
“Yes, four, exactly.”
Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question
“What do two plus two equal?”
The accountant says “On average, four – give or take ten percent, but on average, four.”
Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question
“What do two plus two equal?”
The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says “What do you want it to equal?”
John Smith lived in Staten Island, New York and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, so John decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain.
When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Smith, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat.
“How did you like that jump, buddy?” said a proud John to a deck hand.
“It was great,” said the sailor. “But why didn’t you wait? We were just pulling in!”