A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a very fancy new 10 speed bike. “Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300.”
“Easy, Dad,” the boy replied. “I earned it hiking.”
“Come on,” the father said. “Tell me the truth.”
“That is the truth,” the boy replied. “Every night you were gone, Mr. Reynolds from the grocery store would come over to see Mom. He’d give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!”
One fall day Dave was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file.
Intrigued, Dave went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse.
“My wife,” the man replied.
“I’m sorry,” said Dave. “What happened to her?”
“My dog bit her and she died.”
Dave then asked who was in the second hearse. The man replied, “My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well.”
“Can I borrow your dog?” asked Dave.
“Get in line.” replied the man.
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, “You know, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, and I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!”
His buddy looks at him and says, “Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap my wife’s butt and ask, ‘Who’s horny?’ And she’s always sound asleep.”
As in many homes on New Year’s Day, Janet and Nigel, a happily married couple, faced the annual conflict of which was more important: the football match on the TV, or the lunch with family.
Hoping to keep the peace Nigel ate lunch with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant after-lunch chat before retiring to the lounge to turn on the TV.
Some minutes later, Janet looked in to see how he was and graciously even bought a cold beer for Nigel. She smiled, kissed him on the cheek and asked what the score was. Nigel told her it was half time and that the score was still 0-0.
“See?” Janet said happily, “You didn’t miss a thing.”
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.
“Last night I made love to my wife four times,” the Frenchman bragged, “and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me.”
“Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times,” the Italian responded, “and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man.”
When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, “And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?”
“Once,” he replied.
“Only once?” the Italian arrogantly snorted. “And what did she say to you this morning?”