Last 6 Months of Life

The middle aged man was visibly shaken when his Doctor advised that he had only 6 month’s to live because of the terminal disease that was detected during a recent physical check-up. The Doctor suggested that he should get his ‘house in order’ , make sure his Will was current and ensure all final arrangements were in place for the funeral. He should then make plans to enjoy what might be left of his life, to the fullest.
“What will you do for the last six months?” asked the Doctor.
His patient thought for a few minutes then replied, “I think I’ll go and live with my Mother-in-law.”
Surprised by the answer, the Doctor asked, “Of all people, why in the would you want to live with your Mother-in-law?”
“Because it’ll be the longest six months of my Life!”

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Weight Loss Plan

There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it.

Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, “If you can catch me, you can have me.” As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds.

Encouraged by this success, he tries the next level of the weight loss plan – guaranteed loss of 15 pounds in a week. The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her. This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less.

Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program – a minimum of 25 pounds guaranteed. Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still he signs up.

The next morning, waiting at the door is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign around his neck that says, “If I catch you, you’re mine!”

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What’s for Dinner

A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife.
“Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things.” said the husband.
“Well,” the doctor replied, “go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn’t reply, move about five feet close and say it again. Keep doing this so that we’ll get an idea about the severity of her deafness.”
Sure enough, the husband went home and did exactly as instructed. He started off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she was chopping some vegetables and said,”Honey, what’s for dinner?” He heard no response so he moved about five feet closer and asked again. No reply. He moved five feet closer. Still no reply. He got fed up and moved right behind her, about an inch away, and asked again, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
Annoyed, the wife replied, “For the fourth time, vegetable stew!”

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Bad Accident

Patient: I’m in a hospital! Why am I in here?

Doctor: You’ve had an accident involving a train.

Patient: What happened?

Doctor: Well, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?

Patient: Well… The bad news first…

Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.

Patient: That’s terrible! What’s the good news?

Doctor: There’s a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your designer shoes.

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Wrinkle Removal

An old man of 87 went to the hospital to get a radical new surgical procedure done where they stretch the skin and pull all the wrinkles up onto the top of the scalp making you appear years younger.

On his way out of the hospital, he met an old friend who didn’t recognize him at first.

“Rob, is that really you?” said the friend. “You look years younger. I didn’t know you had a dimple in your chin.”

“It’s not a dimple, it’s my belly button” said the old man and his friend laughed.

“If you think that’s funny, take a look at what I’m wearing for a tie!”

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