Alternative Treatment

After a lunch break, a pharmacist walked into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall.

“What’s wrong with him?” he asked his assistant.

“He came in for cough syrup but I couldn’t find any so I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives.”

”You idiot” said the pharmacist, “you can’t treat a cough with laxatives”

“Of course u can” the assistant replied. “Look at him, he’s too scared to cough now.”

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Inner Peace

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives.

By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace.

Dr Phil proclaimed, “The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished.”

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn’t finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Bailey’s Irish Cream, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, a box of chocolates and the rest of my half-gallon of Blue Bell Original Vanilla Bean ice-cream.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now.

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Lumberjack

Oly was working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw, and accidentally sliced off all ten of his fingers.

He rushes to the emergency room. The doctor who examines him is really disturbed at such a tragedy. “Oh, yuck! Well, that’s all right, Oly, give me the fingers and I’ll see what I can do for you.”

“I haven’t got the fingers,” Oly said, gasping through his pain.

The doctor said, “What do you mean, you haven’t got the fingers? It’s 2017. We’ve got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have reattached the fingers. You’d be as good as new! Why didn’t you bring the fingers?”

“Well, geez, Doc,” Oly groaned, I couldn’t pick ’em up.”

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Mental Patient

Mr. Jones is driving past the state mental hospital when his left rear tire suffers a flat. While he is changing the tire, another car goes by, running over the hub cap in which he was keeping the lug nuts. The nuts are all knocked into a nearby storm drain.
He is at a loss for what to do and is about to go call a cab when he hears a shout from behind the hospital fence, where one of the inmates has been watching the whole thing.
“Hey, pal! Why don’t you just take one lug nut off each of the other three wheels and use them to replace the missing ones? That’ll hold your tires on until you can get to a garage or something.”
Mr. Jones is startled by the patient’s seeming rationality, but realizes the plan will work, and installs the spare tire without incident. Before he leaves, he calls back to the patient. “You know, that was pretty sharp thinking. Why do they have you in there?”
The patient smiles and says, “I’m in here because I’m crazy, not because I’m stupid.”

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Living to a 100

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.
“Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret to my success,” he cackled. “I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now.”
The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.
He replied, “Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk.”

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