One fall day Dave was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file.
Intrigued, Dave went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse.
“My wife,” the man replied.
“I’m sorry,” said Dave. “What happened to her?”
“My dog bit her and she died.”
Dave then asked who was in the second hearse. The man replied, “My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well.”
“Can I borrow your dog?” asked Dave.
“Get in line.” replied the man.
Three men die in a car accident on Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something related to or associated with Christmas or they will be rejected.
The first man searches his pocket, and finds some mistletoe, so he is allowed in.
The second man presents a nut cracker, so he is also allowed in.
The third man pulls out a pair of woman’s underwear. Confused at this last gesture, St Peter asks, “How do these represent Christmas?”
The man answers, “They’re Carol’s.”
One day while walking downtown, a Human Resources woman was hit by a bus and was tragically killed. Her soul arrived up the Pearly Gates where she met St. Peter.
“Welcome to Heaven,” said St. Peter. “Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we’ve never once had an HR manager make it this far. What we’re going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in,” the Saint said.
“Actually, I think I’ve made up my mind… I prefer to stay in Heaven.”
“Sorry, we have our rules…”
And with that St. Peter put the HR manager in an elevator and it went down-down-down to Hell. The doors opened and the HR manager found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends from the industry. They played a round of golf and, at night, enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She even met Devil himself who appeared to be really nice. She had a great time, but before she knew it, it was time to leave. She got on the elevator and went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates where St. Peter was waiting for her.
“Now it’s time to spend a day in Heaven” he said. So the HR manager spent the next 24 hours lounging around on the clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it, her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.
“So, you’ve spent a day in Hell and you’ve spent a day in Heaven. Now you must choose your eternity,” he said.
The HR manager paused for a second and then replied, “Well, I think I had a better time in Hell.”
So, St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again the HR manager went down-down-down back to Hell.
When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up garbage and putting it in sacks for the evening meal. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her and laughed at her.
“I don’t understand,” stammered the HR manager. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable.”
The Devil looked at her and grinned: “That’s because yesterday we were recruiting you, but today you’re staff.”
A preacher on his deathbed summoned his doctor and his lawyer. They came, and he asked them to sit on either side of his bed and hold his hands.
They sat thus for a long while until the doctor stirred and said, “You don’t have long on this earth, Reverend. Can you tell us why you asked us to come?”
The old preacher stirred himself wheezed and said, “Well, Jesus died between two thieves, and that’s the way I want to go too.”
A woman from New York was getting her affairs in order. She wrote her will and made her final arrangements. As part of these arrangements she met with her rabbi to talk about what type of funeral service she wanted. She told her rabbi she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomindgales.
“Bloomingdales!” the rabbi said. “Why Bloomingdales?”
“That way, I know my daughters will visit me at least twice a week.”