Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.
“So how was it?” his mother asked when they returned home.
“Great,” Little Johnny replied.
“Did you and your father have a good time?” asked his mother.
“Yeah, Daddy especially liked it,” exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!”
An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.
He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.
As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.
The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.
On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, “Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?”
“I sure did,” responded the pessimist. “He can’t swim.”
A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry.
A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
“I feel terrible,” he explained. “I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it.”
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 feet.
The man was astonished. He couldn’t figure out what substance could be in the woman’s spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, “What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?”
The woman brought the can closer and read from the label: “‘Hare Spray’ Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave.”
A blind man walks into a bar with a bear on a chain and a parrot on his shoulder.
“Hey,” the bartender exclaimed, “No animals are allowed in here!”
“We’re not just animals, buster!” says the parrot.
“I’m not talking to you,” replied the bartender, “I’m talking to the guy.”
“Well,” the parrot angrily replied, “in case your beady little eyes haven’t noticed, the guy you’re talking to is deaf, mute and blind!” He then proudly added, “I am his service bird. I do all of his talking for him. If you talk to him, you’re talking to me, so don’t be such a jackass!”
Hmmm, the bartender studied the bird.
“Okay, birdbrain,” the bartender leaned in close to him, “let me take a guess, if you’re a talking service bird, then the bear must be a seeing-eye bear, right?”
“Nope,” replied the bird, “the bear is a bodyguard.”
“What the heck does a blind, mute and deaf guy need a bodyguard for?” asked the bartender.
“The bodyguard is not his, ya dummy!” the parrot yelled, “He’s mine!”
A minister was talking to a children’s Sunday school class about the Old Testament story of the children who mocked Elisha on his journey to Bethel.
For once, he had everyone’s attention, as he described how the youngsters taunted the poor old prophet and how they were punished – Two she-bears came out of the wild and ate 42 of them.
“And now, children,” said the pastor, wondering whether he had gotten his point across, “Who can tell me what we really learn from this story?”
A little girl in the front raised her hand and said, “We learned that one she-bear can eat 21 children all at once.”